October 26, 2003

Depressive Rant

Well, I was sitting in the Student Union earlier today, and I grabbed my notebook and a pencil, and let myself go. I wasn’t really thinking, at least not consciously, as my pencil created this scrawling of a rant. And now you can read it yourself. Joy.

Warning: Read at your own risk.

I don’t know where to go from here. I’ve wasted my entire life and don’t care enough to fix it. Actually, I don’t know how to fix it. There’s no way to erase it all. Help?

Only thing I can think of to do is die. Please help me die… No one would miss me, my brain says over and over again. Or is that my heart? Some people would venture to say I have no heart. I’m just a waste of space. I do not help humanity or society in any way. It’s ironic that I remain alive while so many good people die. Is it a wicked game? It must be… life playign an evil, careless board game, much like chess.

Hit me with a car.

Have me caught in a drive-by.

I don’t care. Just get me out of life. Some way. Any way. Soon.

I feel like I’m walking through a fog. Days pass that I miss completely. What did I do last week? Yesterday? A few minutes ago? I hardly remember. Where’s a knife?

Talking about it doesn’t help. It makse me out to be a whiny attention-starved loser. I don’t want to die for attention. I want to die for ESCAPE. So many people die that are forgotten. I would be forgotten too. It’s best that way. I make everyone’s lives difficult anyways. People would cheer and spit on my grave… if I wasn’t just buried in a ditch somewhere, an unmarked grave.

Drive away into nothingness. Get lost in the hustle and bustle, unknwon and forgotten. It’s where I belong… where I deserve to be. Alone and anonymous.

I need to buy a gun. Or join the Army where they give me a gun. Or the police. Play sane until I have real bullet and am alone. Outside, so there’s no problem cleaning up the mess.

Then die.

Why am I always left out of everything? No matter how hard I try or how nice I am, I can’t seem to pierce the veil blocking me from everyone else around me.

I’m caught in a spotlight.. but it’s black. Everything else around me is lit bright as day…

Yet I am lost in shadow. Forever.

End transmission.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.</P

lol hey i feel the same way… but don’t be so hard on yourself. i’m just gonna tell ya what everyone tells me. you matter. alot of ppl would care if you died, and you would not be forgotten. but i’ll tell ya something else too… hey you might not be remembered every second, but probably longer than i would be remembered if i died. but i’m just a random noter, so what does that mean to you? hmm.

I won’t presume to goad you out of this line of thinking… it’s not my place. Nor is it my place to tell you to pull the trigger. But I will offer this, which just might matter in it’s own little way. The words of yours that I have read interest me… It would be a shame if they stopped coming… *smiles a little* -Devlin

Are all people in SCA like this or just the ones I know? As a general rule, life sucks. But, there are always good times, and there will always be more good times, and a moment of happiness lets us forget weeks of sorrow. Take solace in the happy times and find hope in the shining moments. Xanatos