February 22, 2003

Cloudy Reflection

My thoughts have been consumed lately by self-analysis. I’ve come to the conclusion that, if I were to somehow manage to split into two beings, each exactly the same as I am originally, and one could watch the other and interact with the other, each would hate the other.

I suppose that’s confusing. I’ll elaborate.

I am a complete hypocrite. Every aspect of people that I abhor are ones that I myself exhibit. People such as:

-those who try to kill themselves, and ceaselessly talk about suicide.
-kids who are always finding ways to get high or drink alcohol
-people who are always depressed about something

It makes me wonder what anyone sees in me. Though it does help me to understand why I can hate myself so completely. I embody all of the things I dislike in other people.

It’s disgsting.

I’m disgusting.

How many more times this month will I cut myself, or try to kill myself, or get drunk, or get high.

Maybe I’ll start keeping a tally.

The Anti-Clique

February 23, 2003

Or maybe you can just quit and not have to worry about keeping tally.

K, I think you have had to deal with a lot of unfortunate parental abuse. Sorry to be so blunt, but that is how I see it. You may consider therapy, often offered at school. Putting a plan in place to get out of your mother’s house, would also be beneficial. Sorry that you have had to go through all of this. Love, Brenda xoxox

Ever think about trying to change? Yeah… that stuff can actually work sometimes. Try having some will power, not the will power to cut yourself, the will power to stop being so stupid and do something about yourself. You once were beautiful, I know oyu can be again if your just stop being so stupid and change what disgusts you.

don’t digust yourself, but don’t cut either. actually, i think in a way, cutting is the excuse to call ourselves ugly because really? once i quit cutting, my self esteem went sky rocketing. so, in conclusion, just don’t do it. stay away from the razors, throw em away. oh, and don’t tell any school counselors because they throw you in counseling for stephaniepetisa.net

endless hours at a time. *sigh* forget it. maybe counselors help. i dont know. but don’t disgust yourself, just find a way out of it. blah blah ranting from me, you dont know me. ill leave now. goodbye. *salutes* stephaniepetisa.net and yes, i am lacking of a diary. i got fed up with fod and launched back into the world of domains.