Me again

So, here I am again, back to writing in my diary when something in my life just isn’t right. I’m hoping a good catch up will help me find what is wrong and how to fix it.

I’m still working in admin, loving my job at the moment, always working overtime to get the extra pennies in. I work with some lovely people, but then again I work in an office full of women so it gets a little too bitchy for my liking, the problem is I tend to do quite a bit of bitching myself, I manage to find a fault with everyone and can’t just keep it to myself and wait till it passes. It’s as if I’m perfect… I wish! I complain and moan about other people but then instantly regret opening my mouth. I have tried ways to stop the moaning and complaining but it doesn’t seem to work. I get paranoid at times and feel like the whole office is against me or talking badly about it and so I feel like its me on my own against all of them. I feel like I know when somebody is speaking badly about me, I can sense it in the way they look at me and the speak to me, or avoid me and then I have trouble forgiving and forgetting. Thats my biggest problem, I don’t forgive and I never forget.

I was struck down with depression again late last year and attended counselling (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and went back on Mirtazipine. Its pretty much stripped me of my personality and feelings and is making me gain weight by the minute. Slight exaggeration, I have put 8lbs on since November but I think thats a lot, my jeans not fastening tells me its a lot. I joined a gym the other day to help keep the lbs from piling on anymore. I walked 5 miles on the treadmill which I thought was pretty good considering I’m pretty unfit at the moment. I also walked home which took me about 25 minutes. I’m going to take my ipod next time as the hour that I was there dragged. Seconds felt like minutes on the treadmill, I’m hoping listening to Elvis will help pass the time. I was going to go this afternoon but it shuts at 5pm on a saturday. I think I’m going to go tomorrow though, I might even go early…. hmmm can’t see that happening.

Things with Paul, my fiancè are going well. We haven’t have sex in almost 2 months though as my sex drive is non-existant. I’ve been here before when I was depressed and it was mainly down to me not loving the man I was with. I know I love Paul, he isn’t making me depressed like my ex was. Paul is a lovely human being. He makes me happy, he knows me, we love the same things, he puts up with me. He is slighty concerned that I’m having an affair because I don’t want sex anymore and I have been doing overtime and I’ve joined a gym, but I keep assuring him that I’m not. I’m his and his only.

I have been trying to keep myself busy recently. I have taken up crochet and have made some lovely things which I am really proud of. I would like to make my mum something for her birthday which is in a week so really I had better crack on with it, I probably only have enough time now to make her a coaster.

Thats the thing… time is going so fast, weeks are passing by without me even noticing, I’m hoping that by writing in here more often it might slow time down. I know that sounds weird, but by looking back at what I have done/achieved within the day/week/month it might make me stop and think more often and help me with my time management. I say I have started crocheting but I feel like I don’t pick it up often enough, I am now good enough that I can make something whilst watching TV or a film so I have no excuses and yet I haven’t picked up the blanket I started in weeks. I am half way through the final Hunger Games book, Mockingjay but it is taking me weeks to read it. Paul has bought me The girl with the dragon tattoo trilogy to read and I can’t wait, but looking at the size of the books just puts too much pressure on me and I worry about when the hell I’m ever going to get time to read them, even though all I do is work till 7:30 at the latest and have every Sunday off. I should be able to find time to get in my hobbies. I am going to start using my filofax more to help me plan my time better. I recently completed an NVQ in Business and Admin and although it felt like a pain in the beginning I soon learnt to enjoy it and completing it felt like a huge achievement for me, especially at the moment while I’m feeling down most of the time. I have started looking at Payroll courses, I know ‘Im not good enough for accounts but I think I could handle payroll. Payroll/SAGE aren’t too expensive either. I’m going to speak to Paul and see if he thinks we can afford to take the money out of the Vegas fund. But then I really want to learn French and have been looking at online courses, which aren’t expensive at all. I doubt I am disciplined enough to even complete online courses though so maybe they will just be a waste of money for me. My attention span isn’t long at all.

I’ve really enjoyed writing in here again

J x