Killer pool and Pretending to be asleep

My My My. It does help to write in here. And the notes I receive actually help!

Yesterday was my birthday party. Today is my birthday. But I’ll start with my birthday party @ THE house.

Firstly… my family were coming round to THE house! THE house is supposed to be my HOME, altho it is more like my HELL. Seriously. Paul and Sal bought a wreck of a house (literally, it had no floors in some parts) back when they were the happy happy couple,  and they made it THEIR home. Every minute detail has Paul and Sals signiture all over it and I live there. I’ve never spoken to anybody who understands what kind of hell it is to live in another womans house, especially her’s. She’s one of those people who… when she walks in the room the atmosphere drops. I like to think she’s the devil. She doesn’t talk to me, she doesn’t look at me. She takes Paul off into another room without me. Just think the devil with no personality! Anyway, I lived there for just under 2 yrs before moving back with my mum and the only reason I put up with the mental torture that house brought me was knowing I lived with Paul. You may well be thinking, why not move?… well Paul loves that house and didn’t want to sell if we weren’t forever (kinda understandable) and now its on the market, but now there is a credit crunch against us!! WTF?!! Bad luck follows me! I’m cursed! I’m changing the subject too much here… Paul loves that house and he likes to dress it as a show house and when people come who haven’t visited before he gives them the grand tour. I get to listen to people ooo and arrr over THEIR effing house. Anger builds up inside me and I have to slam a door to let the anger out. Lastnight I knew family were coming who hadn’t visited before and I just couldn’t deal with listening to my family say how nice HER house is. Its soul destroying stuff and I’m in a bad way here. So I asked him if for one night only he could leave off the show home act. For one night, for my birthday. He swore.
He lied. He jumped at the chance to show his house off. I felt sick. He knows how to get my weak spots.

Not only did Sal gatecrash my party to collect Ava (the little princess at the top of my guest list) but her house ruined it to!
It was funny. Ava, being so naive not realising yet that her mother is a freak, she tried to walk Sal into the lounge and in her cute voice said "come on mummy, say hello". She turned her back, and ran upstairs to Ava’s room where Paul was gathering her things together. Is it me or should she not be helping herself to any room she pleases. Its not her house now!! She should wait till she is invited in. God I despise that girl. And I’m not too happy with Paul letting her get away with. To keep her happy, I have to endure all the heart ache. Life can be cruel.

I ignored him for the rest of the night. I had a great time, I didn’t for 1 second (well maybe a few) let him ruin my birthday party. We had all pitched in and played killer pool. We all listened and danced and sang to music and I got to blow some candles out. I ignored paul in bed too. I pretended my pill kicked in early and I dosed off. I hadn’t dosed off. I was wide awake. I listened to him huffing and puffing and getting up and making a stupid amount of noise and I kept telling myself, don’t give in. He’s feeling sorry for himself and he hasn’t even apologised to me or admitted he was wrong. The last words I spoke to him lastnight were, "You showing Linda round this house was the last straw for me".

This morning I awoke alone in bed. It wasn’t a nice feeling, even though the only person I had to be with was him, it was better than waking alone on my birthday. I lay thinking for so long. Need to stop all this thinking. Its not good.
He came upstairs eventually and he said his famous words "Can we hold eachother for a while". Translation "you didn’t put out lastnight and I’m frustrated". I had a choice. I could say the truth "No", but have him in a mood and ruin my birthday or I could say "yes" and close my eyes and think about why I’m putting myself through it.

What I don’t get is why its such a big deal to me. Its like 20-30 mins out of my day. Why can’t I find it in me to do it, for the sake of our relationship. He, being male, can’t find it in him to give up, so why can’t I try to just put out. I try, I really do, but he’s made sex a chore for me.

I’ve had a nice birthday. I had a lazy morning. I got nice gifts. I got lovely messages off the people who are close to me. I even saw my Dad, although I had to go to him. Thats another story.
 

Paul has been over compensating as he obviously realised he’s been a total dick recently. He asked why I didn’t seem myself as he was being in a lovey mood with me. I told him theres no happy medium with him. He’s either moody/frustrated/and ignorning me or he’s all over me so I can’t breathe. He said he understood. We’ll see. Paul at a happy medium could work, but we’ll see.