Its the anesthetic making me cry

Firstly my wound is incredibly itchy, its obviously starting to heal. Itching drives me insane! Especially this kind of itching, this is an itch that can’t be itched and the way I’m feeling right now its making me want to scream.

Now thats out of the way I can go on to rant abt my stressful night. I am uber stressed and tearful. I cried because I couldn’t reach the door handle to shut the car door. I  felt pathetic.
Paul came round this evening with a film for us to watch which turned out to be a disaster. Our dvd players broke, so we went to my bro’s room to watch it on the 360, after wasting half an hour finding it and setting it up, we realised his controllers were at a friends house. The stress of this started to make my stomach tense, making it hurt so much. I then went downstairs and sulked and just left paul sat in my bro’s room. (what a bitch). He came down and I stressed more at him and we ended up going to his. Today I have been the kind of stressed that really gets you from the inside out. You can feel it building up inside you and its the kind of stressed where you really don’t want to be around anybody. Peace and space is a necessity. I didn’t get my peace and space, but it was nice at pauls. We watched our film, had a giggle, discussed my party prep (which I have no involvement in!!) and then he brought me home. We had a nice chat in his car outside my house. I love those chats, they take me back to when we first met. We discused me changing my career. I have his blessing to take a pay cut if it means I find a fun new job to keep me happy. At the moment Paul is in his "Keeping Jo Happy" mode. Once he’s bored of this mode, he moves onto putting himself first for awhile. That makes me sound so selfish, I’m not ,I just need consistency whilst I’m going through my bad patch, which we are all routing to end in the near future!!

So tomorrows list (today didn’t have 1, it was my day off, it is sunday!)

1. Career posibilities. Have to keep telling myself I’m not too old for a change in career path.
2. Update Lovefilm
3. Send a nice happy email to Paul to cheer him up.
4. If I’m up to it, sort thru my bags of crap in my room.

I spent a while shopping on the net today. All the items that were in my favourites from broswing yesterday I ended up buying. I’ve had a naff xmas and new year and coming up… birthday so I decided I owe it to myself to have some retail therapy. I can’t wait for it to arrive!!!! I love getting parcels!

I had a response from my area manager regarding my new manager when I go back to work. He has made me feel better about the situation and gave me the positive reasons to cheer me up. Its not made me feel great about the situation but its helped and also knowing I can start job hunting for a new exciting career helps too. Senade apologised via text today too.

My Dad … is a knob. I don’t know why I keep calling him a knob, it doesn’t make me feel any better about the situation, but he is and over the past year has lost his right to own the "dad" title. My surgery was last minute, there’d been a cancellation and I found out a day earlier whilst at work. After my op, during visiting times, I ask Paul to call my dad and explain the situation and to also ask him to tell my nana, as she always gets upset if she’s not been told anything, especially if its about her lovely grandaughter! Anyway, 2 days after my op I get a single txt off Dad asking how I am. I then find out he didn’t bother to inform my nana and she found out through work when she nipped in to see me today. Not only is she upset my dad didn’t tell her, she was embarrassed that she had to find out thru my work. He’s a knob. I wish I got more than a text. Keeping in mind Paul never told him why I was in hospital.

Do people think that because I’ve been in hospital so many times and had so many ops over the past few years that its easy for me. Hospitals and surgery don’t get easier. It still hurts the same every single time. And emotionally it still hurts everytime. I always cry. Just because I’ve had the same thing done twice doesn’t mean I can’t feel sorry for myself. I sometimes worry ppl think I should be getting harder bcause of what I’ve been through, but in reality its like a kick in the teeth everytime, but the next time is always harder because the next time you think "why me again?".

Work seem to think all my sick time off work is like having 2 weeks holiday. I wish! Boredom, incapable, lonely, hurting. Not much fun. They don’t get it. I’m looking forward to getting my self help book. I’m negative. I need to be more positive.

Goodnight x