I’m sorry it took me so long…

I’m f***ing depressed again.
I’m happy living with paul even though I do find myself nagging him alot, but then thats natural in a relationship!
I’m happier now I’m no longer getting under mums feet at home. Even my brother and I are getting along better which is really good.

But…
We’re skint. We’re both in shitty minimum wage jobs.
I fucking hate my job. I hate the people I work with. They make me feel worthless. I actually feel invisible. Possibly the worst feeling ever. Takes me straight back to when I was bullied as a child in secondary school, except I’m now an adult working with adults which is pathetic, if only I was strong enough not to take everything to heart.

Paul and I have been ill again for xmas, thats pretty depressing as its the time of year I most look forward to.

My Dad… Didn’t hear from him on xmas day. I rang on boxing day, he didn’t seem to care abt me though. This breaks my heart the most. I have never and will never have the guts to confront him about what a shitty dad he is. The words don’t come out. Its like he has a spell over me. I turn to putty in his hands and do as he wishes and run around after him and his ever increasing family, yet he’s not done one thing for me. I know its all a game to him. When I’d not heard from my dad in over a month I called him once and without even saying hi he said "I was beginning to think you’d forgotten about us". I wanted to put the phone down on him there and then. I should have. I didn’t even have the guts to confront him over why he never calls me. With my dad its all about me now being in touch with him and never once about me not hearing from my dad.

Now my little rants are over I can write about my past year…

April. Sharons (a friend of my mums) son, Matthew, 18 died. They live in canada. He killed himself drink driving in her car. We went over for the funeral. Not like our funerals in the slightest, theirs last 3 days and it feels like torture. Gave me a migraine that was lifted at the very end of day 3. Sharon lived for Matthew, he was her reason for living. This shouldnt have happened to her.

May. Still job hunting.

June. Got a job in an admin centre and at first was truely greatful for being offered a job as I’d been trying so hard for months..

July. Found another lump in my breast. Results were fine 🙂
My cousin (terri, 18) died of a brain tumor.

August. Just another month.

September. Paul got a job. We started house hunting now we both had permanant jobs.

October. Got a little terraced house to rent.
Went away to Centre Parcs for halloween.

November. Discovered we live on a street full of nasty chavs. Our curtains have never opened 🙁

December. Come home and cry over the people in my job. Get the guts to speak to the manager and ask to be moved teams.

Present day. I’ve realised I try too hard to get people to like me and come across wrong and people hate me. Maybe I need to keep my mouth shut? I have opinions though and I find it hard to keep them to myself, especially when I’m surrounded by retard women. 🙁 Work has become a bitchfest (i’m not involved) but because I’m on the team creating the chaos I’m being punished. Can’t wait to be moved.

My anxiety has grown worse and worse. I gave up driving lessons because I lost all confidence and felt like crying all the time. Now I think about death and dying whenever I’m alone. I’m constantly thinking how I might die during every action I take. Not normal.

I have no idea why I haven’t written in here for so long, I guess I was fed up of writing about job hunting and getting nowhere and having no money. Having a job and house hunting and moving took up alot of my time, then it was christmas chaos.