Ear ache

Not long been back from the doctors. He gave me another 5 days of antibiotics 🙁 and a sick note up until Sunday. So back to work for me on Monday. Need to make the most of tonight and the next two days off even though I still feel like shit.

Today I finally took down the christmas decs. I know it was bad luck to leave them up until today but Paul and I have just felt too run down to attempt it. Its out of the way and now there is a big space in my living room where my tree was, with nothing to replace it. I might get a plant and hang lights on it so its like christmas all year round but I can get away with it ; )

Lastnight I couldn’t sleep (because I’d slept in till noon). Paul was huffing and puffing at me huffing and puffing so I came downstairs at about 1ish. Emailed a few people I’d been meaning to catch up with and spent about an hour browsing pics on reddit. I got chilly and decided to get back in bed. As soon as I lay down my cough started again. Paul sat up and asked me what was wrong, what was I thinking about… I replied with "My Dad". This annoyed him even more. Paul has no time for my dad and was annoyed that I was giving dad all this time in my head whilst keeping him awake. But I did come to some kind of conclusion in my head about this situation I have with my dad and family. I spend all my time thinking about shutting him off and how I wish I could do it, but worry about the ???? so much that I never actually go ahead with it. So I decided, I just won’t cut him off. I’ll find a way to deal with never hearing from him. I’ll learn to live with me having to do all the phonecalls and visits to their house.

I realised something… He and his wife have been to my dead cousins grave (somebody they saw once in the past 12 months before she died) than they have seen me. They have been to my aunties house a few times since my cousin passed "because we feel guilty we weren’t around when she was dying", yet they still haven’t been to see my new house. What a pathetic excuse for a man. Instead of the passing of my cousin making him appreciate the daughters he has, he is giving up his spare time to to visit my auntie (who he never had time for) and help keep the grave nice. My auntie and cousin were lovely. They had plenty of friends and family. They don’t need my dad. I do. I wish I didn’t, but I do. All I want is a text, an email, a pop round for a cup of tea. My grandad lives a 10 minute walk away and they see him weekly, yet they couldn’t post my cards or pick up the presents for the kids. I have this speech in my head that I just want to scream at him but I don’t have the guts. Instead I’ll send a text wishing him a belated happy new year, apologising for only just getting in touch because I’ve been bed ridden with flu and just hope I get a reply, because thats me and I’m a fucking push over.

Its good to write and get this off my chest. This thing with my dad has really been nagging at me for a few months and I think this is really helping.

Hopefully if I’m better for Sunday, Paul and I are going to go into town, spend some of our christmas money, watch Deathly Hallows and eat at our favourite japanese. Can’t wait, just hope I’m feeling a bit better otherwise I don’t think it’ll be a good idea, especially if the weather is as shitty as it is today. Fingers crossed.

We fly to Bruges on 21st Jan, something else to start looking forward to! I ordered a book from amazon so I need to start high lighting some top spots.

Well, I’d better do some tidying up before Paul is home from work.

x