i miss everyone

People around me always tell me that they applaud me for being such a strong person because despite losing my loved ones, I always manage to put on a brave face and move on. Truth is I’m so tired pretending to be strong all these years. Like so tired…

Just a lil backstory, I lost my mom when I was 14 years old.  She died due to complications of breast cancer. Honestly, her demise was kinda expected but it was still the most painful feeling I’ve ever felt in my entire life. She has the most beautiful soul and has the warmest heart. As a mama’s girl, I remember crying myself to sleep almost every night because it was so hard for me to accept the reality of losing the most important person in my life.

Two years later, I lost my elder sister too because of brain injury. She and I have only one year age gap so we’re basically best friends and also we’ve been classmates since kindergarten until high school. Well, as expected, we were always being compared to each other. She was prettier and I was smarter lol, but when it comes to character, she was way way better than me. Unlike me who is more reserved and introverted, she was very outgoing and likes interacting with people. She liked doing volunteer works in the community because it was her passion. She loved doing public speaking and participating in debates. Oh I miss her so much! She was my cheerleader. She used to encourage me to do things I’m not confident at. Now that I’m in medschool, I always think of her because I know she would cheer me up every time I’m so close to quitting :((

This year, last May, I lost another loved one again… I lost my dad due to ischemic stroke. My heart is breaking into pieces just thinking of him right now. He was the best father. He stayed strong for us after my mom and my sister’s deaths. Being a single father for seven children is not an easy thing to do. In fact, it was not just hard but REALLY REALLY hard. He was diagnosed with a heart condition the same year my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was very depressing situation for us because both of them are suffering while they were raising us. My eldest sister had to stop studying in college because she had to take care of them (especially my mom) and to run our business. But after my mom’s demise, my sister continued her studies and managed to finish it. My dad was excited most to see me become a doctor. He used to brag to his co-workers that I’m studying medicine and that I’ll be the first doctor in our family. He used to ask me what he can provide for me despite having financial problems. He would visit me in my dormitory just to bring me grocery stuff and make sure I am eating well. I remember one time while he was driving me home, he asked me “will I ever reach the day you’re gonna become a doctor?”… he would ask such questions because he knew his heart disease has complicated. When he asked that question, I found it silly because why wouldn’t he? Of course, I pictured him walking me to the stage when I graduate and being there when I finally become a licensed physician.  He knew I’ve always wanted to become a cardiologist and also the biggest reason why I’m still pursuing medicine is that I wanna help him. But I never expected that God would take him from us this early. He passed away days before my exams and I went home just to see him one last time and attend his funeral. After that, I have to go to back to another city just to take my exam. It was the hardest point in my medschool journey so far because I have to force myself to study even though I’m still grieving. Truth is I’m still on the process of accepting this loss and I’m afraid this may take a really long time.

Sometimes I ask myself that I know I can handle this pain but do I really deserve all of this??? Because now I avoid getting attached to people because I’m afraid of the pain I might feel in the future when I lose them. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh I hate this feeling. My friends would always tell me that they applaud me for being strong.. Little do they know, I’m so close to ending my life. I am so tired. Literally so tired. Having depression, anxiety, and the academic pressure of being a medical student is the worst combo.  I don’t know. I have lost motivation in life but I guess I should just go with the flow. I wonder when is my turn to be happyyyyyy. I forgot what it’s like to be happy tbh. This loneliness is killing me too…

Anyways, I’ll end it here because this is getting so long lol.

To my mom, my sister, and my dad.. you may not be here with us to witness my success, I promise to make you proud and take care of my siblings.  We all miss you so much and you’ll always be remembered in our prayers.

P.S. If you’ve read this til the end, I’m sorry it wasn’t worth reading lol. I have struggles of putting my thoughts into words. Btw, English is not my first language so there might be a lot of errors lol. and………..I have exams this week, wish me luck !!!