Too Much Stress

11:06pm
I just finished 3 in a row.  I have had so much stress lately I am DONE with it (I hope) as I can’t take anymore!!  Today was a good day, actually.  And the 2 before it were not too bad either.  Truthfully, I don’t have the energy to journal much, but I feel compelled to at least try. 

Let me start off with a little blurb about Dylan.  Last Friday (or the Friday before the very last fri), Dylan was supposed to bring home a progress report, and, as usual, had it only partially filled out and was full of excuses.  That very same day we received a letter home from his school with his actual report…4 F’s and 2 D’s!!  English was the D’s.  He’s even failing Art and Phys Ed!!  DAMN!!!  To make a LONG story short, that led to me asking Roy to share the info with Krissy, and so FINALLY (after a couple of days) he took it over to her house.  THAT led to her going off on Roy.  Which led to Roy going off on me.  Which led to me finally writing Dylan and Krissy off.  Let me explain it better by copying you my letter to Roy’s Mom (which outlines my letter to Krissy):

Ginger,
I am so sorry that my communications with you lately have been full of so much stress, but I know that you love and care about Dylan and I’m terribly afraid he is about to go down a very slippery slope.  I got his school progress report (mailed by the school) and was saddened to see 4 F’s and 2 D’s and he has one month left until 9th grade is over.  When Roy brought this information to Krissy he was REAMED by her and told what an a**hole he is because of ME.  Apparently since I pay attention to his schooling and what his responsibilities are, I am an a**hole too (according to Krissy).  So I am being forced to completely give up on helping him or my husband is going to blow a head gasket (for real).  He can’t take the stress between me and Krissy, so I will give up for him.  So I am writing to you because I believe Dylan’s only chance at growing up may come from you or Pat.  I cannot deal with Pat, so I am presenting this to you so maybe one day you can talk with Pat (as I’m sure she will be responsible for Dylan during the summer and possibly, eventually, throughout the school year.)  Krissy just wants Dylan to be "happy" in the present moment – she does not look at what this will do to his future. 
I know I’ve talked with you about the charter school idea for Dylan – the only "free" way for Dylan to possibly get some education and help.  Maybe, at some point, you or Pat can re-bring this idea to Krissy in hopes that Dylan can have a CHANCE at a decent future.  Roy is only concerned now with keeping Dylan "alive" as Dylan throws out things like he wants to kill himself because he has to come to our home.  So it sounds like Dylan will not be coming here much anymore.  (Roy’s idea is to let Krissy do as she chooses with Dylan).  I don’t believe it will really come to pass that Dylan won’t be here every day – but I don’t know.  This whole situation is really putting Roy over the edge.  It could have the potential to put me over the edge, but I cannot allow that to happen as I have Robert to raise.  So I will "give up" on Dylan which is what Krissy and Roy want me to do, in order to keep some sort of home together for our family at this time.  I pray for Dylan that somehow someway he is helped to grow up.   It seems pretty obvious to me that Krissy will not help Dylan grow up well.  I pray I’m wrong about that too, but I’ve been paying attention to what she offers Dylan now for 8 years, and it’s not much.  And Dylan needs a LOT of help. 
I am forwarding the letter that I wrote to Krissy tonight.  Just so you know what has happened and where I’m at.  I never wanted to have to do this.  But I have been forced to give up so Roy can stay sane and Krissy and Dylan can be "happy." 
Thanks for being there to listen to me (all the times you’ve listened to me!)  I’m sorry I never called you to say Happy Mother’s Day.  I hope you did have one, and hopefully when things calm down over here, I will celebrate a mother’s day with you. 
Love,
Gwen
ps.  I hope you know that it was with great sadness that I sent Krissy the following email.
 
 
 
Subject: Helping Dylan
Date: Sat, 15 May 2010 22:41:20 -0700

Dear Krissy,
Since my efforts with Dylan are completely worthless to you – and totally unwanted, I will stop worrying about Dylan growing up to be a responsible, smart, and productive member of society.  I will allow him to fail in school.  I will now butt out of his life and stop any kind of assistance that I’ve been trying to provide.  If you want him to get any help through medication, or counseling you will need to provide that help.  If you want him to be educated, you will have to help him yourself.  I’m sorry that we couldn’t work together to help Dylan.  My husband’s sanity is important to me, so I will honor his wishes and yours and will leave Dylan’s upbringing to you.
Good Luck and I wish you and Dylan only the best,
Gwen

Whew!!  THAT was a gnarly letter to have to write(the one to krissy I mean).  
 
I will have to start attending counseling to learn skills, actually, SKILLS so that I can let Dylan be when he is over here.  Which is almost every single day of the week.  For five hours a night after school, too!!  I am not to ask him about homework or chores or ANYTHING!!!  I am only to TREAT HIM LIKE A VISITOR TO OUR HOME!!!  

Unreal, huh?  This was Roy’s idea.  In order to keep some sanity in our home, I need to stop bugging Dylan – and Roy, too, I guess.  It’s all just too much negativity for everyone to deal with. 

Apparently it mattered to Krissy, somewhat, because this  was her response:

Hi Gwen,
I am really not sure what it is that I did to upset you so much. I have always appreciated everything you have ever done for Dylan. Without you there are many things that probably would not have happened. I do not like to fight with you or with Roy and I most definitely never wanted Dylan around the fighting and yelling. When I speak with either you or Roy I always try to be kind and cordial, but I am human, I do have a breaking point and when I get pushed to that point where my son is concerned then I can definitely blow up. You should understand that, your a Mom. Our first instinct is to protect our child no matter what their age.  
My problem is only with the way Dylan is being spoken to when he is spending time at your house. I will admit I am not there and do not know everything that goes on but I can’t imagine that Dylan would feel so uncomfortable being around you unless something wasn’t quite right. I am sure you would not be happy if you found out someone was speaking to your son in a way that hurt him even sometimes. I would hate to think of you ever having to go thru divorce but how would you feel if Roy was with someone else and that person was suddenly Roberts step-mom and did everything just the way you have? The good and the bad. I think you probably would not take it as well as I have had too.  I try to put myself in your shoes so that I can understand where your coming from and I wish that you could do that with me. I do not know what its like to be a "step-mom" but I have one and she has always been kind and respectful to us even when we were young. I love my son just like you love your son and everyone raises their children differently. I get the strong feeling that you do not like the kind of Mom that I am and that’s ok. The way you and Roy feel about me does not really matter to me but the way Roy feels about his son is VERY important to me.
Dylan loves his little brother so much and wants to feel like he is a part of your family and loved and accepted no matter what. Roy seems to think that I just want a babysitter for Dylan. That is far from what I feel. I think it is important for Dylan to spend time with his father and with his brother and hopefully someday there will be a bond there.
I see that hard work and discipline is important to you and that’s what Dylan needs but I also believe that children need to be shown love and acceptance too. Even "step" children.
I have never wanted to make you feel bad or unappreciated for the things you have done and I would never want to push you out of Dylan’s life, there are a lot of positive things you have brought to his life and he will be a better person for all those things. 
Please understand I do not want my son to fail in school. What parent would want that for their child? I just do not know what to do. It does affect me. Every day I worry about it. I just don’t know where to turn.
Gwen your efforts are not completely worthless to me nor are they unwanted,  I am grateful that you care about his future and I always have been.  
I respect how you feel and appreciate the e-mail you sent. I am sorry for any stress that all of this has caused you and Roy.
I hope that you can still find a place in heart for Dylan.
 
Thank you again for everything,
Krisie

Oh, what a nice and friendly letter she writes, ‘eh? I only wish she could put that kind of effort into helping her son.  Here was my response:

Krisie,
That was a very nice letter you wrote to me and the words sound very cordial, as you say you always try to be.  Unfortunately, being "nice" to talk to doesn’t really help Dylan become an adult.  I only have worried about his future and have tried to help him grow and mature.  What he doesn’t like is the upsetness that he has to deal with at our house when he is not on task and has to be repeatedly told things he should already know.  His chores have been the same for years, and yet he always leaves stuff undone and leaves it for us to pick up after.   His responsibilities in school are well beyond his capability now, and that is very unfortunate.  His school had a specific plan for him and there was a very important meeting at his school about just Dylan and his plan.  You skipped that meeting.  For all I know you didn’t even ask for the notes on that meeting or learn what Dylan needs to get through high school.  His diet was mentioned.  The organization of his backpack.  His planner needing to be filled out and signed was all planned at the meeting.  (by his teachers and counselor)  You have shown NO interest in helping Dylan with school and have proven time and time again, that your first priorities are not Dylan.  The only thing I see that matters to you is Dylan’s happiness in the present moment and not his future. His clothing matter, but not his school.   I don’t understand that AT ALL as I worry about his whole future life more than his momentary happiness.  I’m sorry to sound so harsh to you as I realize that this will probably take you by suprise. 
You say you do not know what to to help Dylan, even though I gave you ALL the information on getting him tutoring and would even have been willing to pick up a good portion of that bill had you even shown a REMOTE amount of interest in helping him.  Instead he got an XBOX 360!!  ( part of that money could have paid for his tutoring assessment).   I gave you information on a school that is FREE to you where Dylan would be one in 10 students in class, instead of 1 in 40.  Where they would be willing to test Dylan and help him get caught up at no extra cost to you and you prefer to let HIM dictate where he goes cuz of the clothes he wants to wear!!!  Ultimately he will pay the price of not becoming educated and he will struggle as an adult.  I think you have no idea what you are doing to him by not making him your priority.  When I say that I refer to the fact that he gets his reports home saying he’s failing most classes, and when I ask him what his plans with you are for the weekend, it is usually centered around you and your gardening.  I cannot continue to be the only parent in his life pushing him to do well in school and life.  If you just want him happy in the present moment, how can I compete with that.  I refuse to do it any more.  Roy has no time to help Dylan any more than he already tries to.  You won’t back us up and I’m tired of listening to all you yell at Roy regarding what an a**hole he is and what a b*tch I am cuz we try to get Dylan to straighten out.  I have started him in counseling, because ADD teachings say that a child needs MUCH more than just medication, they need consitancy (and we have none of that between households), structure, and PLANNING SKILLS.  You do not reinforce any of what I try to do at home (from what I can see and what Dylan tells me. )  Your constantly yelling at Roy (when, like you say, you are not here to see what goes on) is too much for Roy to bear anymore.  So he wants YOU to start helping Dylan however you see fit. I am not to MENTION Dylan’s homework or his chores any more.  I don’t know if he will just sit and stare at the walls at our home, or just text friends and skate his life away.  All I do know is his precious high school years are slipping by and it’s as if he’s not even in school.  He is SO LOST, he does not even know what’s going on.  He has star testing now (which has consistently showed he is WAY BELOW AVERAGE in basic stuff).  It goes in tracks  – A track and B track.  He had no idea what track he was on or even what "track" meant.   That was on a Wednesday and he’d been in it since Monday.   I talked to him about his May Schedule and he had no idea that testing was being done all of May – he told me it was only taking place for a week.  I feel sorry for him that he is as lost as he is.  His teachers have all but begged me to get him help and I’ve had to explain my powerless  position as the step-mom.  Since I can’t take the fighting or the inconsistencies between homes, I will do as you do and stop worrying about his schooling.  I’ve given you the information about tutoring and Charter school.  If you don’t want him tutored, if you don’t even know his school schedule or when he’s supposed to be in tutoring now, why should I continue to remind Dylan (on a weekly basis that he has tutoring).  It just makes me the b*tch and he cries to you continuously.  I don’t want to be the meanie anymore.  I don’t know what is going to happen to Dylan, but maybe if I leave it in your hands you will finally do something for him.  He needs serious psychological help, and educational help.  If you could have seen him at the end of the summer pulling his hair out of his head like a crazy person in front of the mirror all because I asked him to review his multiplication tables, you would have known that he needs HELP. 
I’d be willing to work with you, if you are wanting to work to help Dylan.  I don’t know where we’d start, but meeting with his teachers and counselor would be a good start.  If you just want him to be happy in the present moment, then he would be way happier hanging out at your house.
Good luck making some hard decisions,
Gwen

Boy was I fuming when I wrote that.  I tried to sound like I wasn’t fuming, tho.  And get this, THE WHOLE TIME I WAS WRITING THAT LETTER, ROBERT WAS DECORATING THE HOTEL ROOM DOOR WITH PEN DRAWINGS!!!  I didn’t even mention that Robert and I went to L.A. for a few days last week.  Partially to escape the hell my life has become at home, and partially to see my Dad, Aunt Sher and family, and see my Grandma.  I researched hotels on Priceline.com and ended up with a FANTASTIC hotel at a reasonable price.   I actually got a better price online at priceline than the Days Inn could offer me!!  It had a nonsmoking hotel room with a King sized bed.  It had a coffeemaker in the room.  It had a blowdrier.  It had a hallway (Indoor) outside our room that we could run down, it had a HEATED, BIG, BEAUTIFUL pool and jacuzz, and it had a resaurant right in the hotel!i!!!!!  All for $74/night.  We stayed 3 nights.  And ultimately, my Grandma ended up paying me back for the hotel room and she treated Robert and me to the room!! HOW NICE!!  We sure had some fun!!  My Dad and Grandma came to meet us one morning for breakfast, and after that we went up to the room and chilled together for a while.  Grandma read Robert a book (while Dad and I took pictures).  Then we ALL took naps!!  I couldn’t believe I fell asleep!!  The next day just my Dad joined us for breakfast at the hotel restaurant.   The 3rd morning it was just Robert and myself, but he said, "Papa" remembering that my Dad always joined us there.  *sigh* That was the morning we left to go back home. 
After all the scrubbing I had to do to clean that hotel room door, we had fun running up and down the halls!  We watched TV at night to go to sleep, and sometimes would get online and watch Mr. Bean cartoons on You Tube!!  Robert watched so many one night, I actually kept falling asleep and would wake up to him saying, "More Bean" over and over until I put on another episode.  I finally had to quit around midnight so we could get some sleep!!  Silly boy! 
We went in the heated pool on 2 of the days and I dragged Robert around making him "swim" all over!!  He played on the stairs and learned how to walk his hands along the wall to return to the stairs.  He’s a lot of fun!!
I saw Katie one day, as she met me at my Grandma’s house, then went to Burger King with me and Robert, then back to the hotel and to the pool.  She didn’t have her suit so she sat alongside the pool and we just chatted.  She’s having her job taken over right now by another company as well.  We might both be unemployed soon!!
I haven’t even BEGUN to tell you the misery Children’s Hospital is causing while we all play hurry-up-and-wait with them.  Right NOW I am still waiting for my background check to clear (UGH) and my physical exam is in 2 days!!  (hope I pass!!)  I’ve been so stressed out about the whole thing I’ve been practically having a heart attack!!  Couple that with the Dylan/Krisie stress, and the fact the tenants haven’t paid this months rent – well they still owe over $1000, and you see why I titled this entry TOO MUCH STRESS!! 
I’m taking Wellbutrin to help me cope.  Sometimes I think it gives me more anxiety.  It’s either that or the coffee and nicotine gum!! 😉  I wish I could toke, but obviously I can’t as I need to pass the drug screen.  and after an anonomous call to Children’s I learned that they don’t "recognize" medicinal marijuana prescriptions.  WTF?  They said that they will be revisiting that Idea if it passes in the November election (as marijuana reform is on the ballot!!!!) THEN they wil have to make a policy regarding marijuana.   I PRAY it finally passes and the people can have the natural help that many of them need!  It is so nice to finally see TRUTHFUL information coming out in the news on the benefits of using marijuana!   With all my stress, I’ve had to give up my anti-stress medicine!!  It makes everything even worse!!  But I HAVE to preserve my job!!  It’s the ONE thing I still have going for me to make my life a little easier.  And I help people at the same time, so I pray I get to keep my same job.  We shall see…  Tomorrow is Monday and maybe I’ll learn about my background check.  Wish me luck!!