Giving up things in life

Dear diary

 Lately I have been very upset, I am uncertain about many things. I am really tired of everything, I am tired of my work, but I still don’t have the confidence to leave to look for a new job, when will I have the courage to go through interviews and get a job? I find it very trenching. I still don’t have the courage…I am trying very hard.

I am sick of life like this, I am starting to feel scared. I don’t know what I am scared of. it just that as time is ticking by,  I grew fearful that my life will remain like this. Dear GOD, when will I be lucky for once, when I meet the best person and things in life for once??

I am upset that I have to give up many things lately, I had really wanted to meet Jang Geun Suk and Kim bum, but I don’t have choice, I didn’t get a chance to meet them, I have to force myself to give up on the chances. How I wish I am one the girls with Kim bum? I am so envious of them. Even if it’s only a short dream, I really like to go into the dream, I really like to run away from reality for once, even if it will brings even much heartaches later. I really wish to experience some happiness for once.

How do I love myself more? I can’t do it. I hate myself…I hate the real me…I hate the me who can’t get myself together. I hate the me who was always hurting and in pain. I hate the me who is always dwelling in pain, and can’t get out. I hate the me who is always so miserable.