Don’t understand

Dear diary

I really don’t know what’s happening to me. I just can’t figure out anymore. I just feel that I don’t belong to this world. I don’t belong to anywhere. I can’t find a place for myself. That’s why I am miserable. No one can truely understand me because I can’t understand myself too. I am really very scared of lots of things, suddenly I realised I have so much fear, I can’t face them because it’s so painful, perhaps I am running away from it, even if God really want me face it but I can’t help it, I can’t face it. I no longer have the courage to face them, it’s too painful even to think about it.

I am very scared that I can’t find a good career in future, I am so worried that I will be unhappy forever, I am so scared that I can never be happy, I am so worried that I can’t live the way I want, I am so afraid that I can’t fufill all my dreams, I am scared I am unable to repay what parents did for me. I really hate people who look down on me just because I haven’t accomplish anything big until now, just I am not talented. Sometimes, I wish I can be more talented, I wish I can be more successful.

Why there isn’t anyone who can care for me, treasure me, trust me, and understand me? Why there isn’t anyone who can spot my tears when I crying, cheer me up when I am upset, be always there for me, be patient and never giving me up? How much I wish can go back to that day when I am still happy, when I didn’t know what pain was, when I still didn’t understand what saddness is….. I feel that no matter how hard I pray, no one can help me, sorry I am so negative but this reality world is really so cruel, I don’t know what I should live for, I am just like living for the sake of living.

Crying doesn’t help too, if only things can go back to normal after crying….No matter how hard I try, people can’t see my effort, people can’t understand me. I really wish someone can trust me, I really wish that when I look back, there’s someone there for me. Why can’t Jesus and God send someone to help me to change my life? I am really praying so hard, in Jesus name, amen.

falling snow