.x. Paws

Oh. These soft legged girls. And hard faced boys.
They know no God. They have no voice.

Fucked knows where I’m at right now. I’m kind of having a two months long crisis of “what the fuck are you doing Courtney?”, of not knowing who I am or what I’m doing but more importantly, where I even want to end up. Meanwhile shit seems to be happening all around me and I’m struggling to care. The thought of everything stresses me out a little so I’m kind of ignoring it, which I know is bad for me.

I just wish people would start being honest with me. And in a way I want to go back to crazy bitch Courtney because as isolated I make myself when I let my bad bitch free, at least that girl doesn’t give a shit about what anyone thinks. At least that girl has fun.

I went on an awful date about three weeks ago. Worst experience of my life. I keep trying to convince myself that I need to get out and be more social and then I’ll be less lonely. But people just keep disappointing me and then I get this overwhelming feeling to just not. Do anything. To not bother. To keep myself hidden. Wait for the next cycle of my awesomeness. I hate this little silly, insecure, self loathing, lonely creature I am right now. I want to be the me of not caring. The me of awesome. The me of I’m here. Do you want me? I won’t stick around forever.

I feel desperate and pointless.