.x. Heart Shaped Hand Grenade

This has been sitting in my brain for awhile. The want and desire to write but the words are muddled and they just don’t present themselves correctly.

I think I’m just going to end up alone. The crazy cat lady who is allergic to cats. The general loneliness of my life has been getting to me but I kind of passed a point of not caring. I am alone. I need to learn to be happy and alone. I was once. I can be again.

I didn’t write about this but two weeks ago it was Nick’s birthday. Pre the “I have a confession to make I still have feelings for Kat” saga I had actually already bought him a birthday present. Or part of one. Anyway I still had it and I had no one else to give it to or palm it off to and I didn’t want it. So I did a stupid thing. I posted it to him.

I got this message in return; “So I got your present.. and it was amazing… thank you… I honestly never meant to hurt you… I’m so sorry for that. I don’t know what else to say, I don’t know how to explain it… I just wish you all the best and I hope you find someone who treats you like you deserve.” Which was nice and lovely but I complete and utter END to it. Which was not really what I was hoping to promote. Because I included a letter in with the present. I included a letter that had three pieces of advice. Or four. Advice about how if you’re going to get back together with someone you need to sort out the problem that made you break up in the first place otherwise it will still be a problem. Also that once you fall in love you stay in love. You know… all my usual twaddle. Than I said I would always be there if he needed me but I wasn’t putting in the effort of maintaining a friendship when he was already a shitty friend to begin with or just to be dropped if he got back together with her.

An evil dark part of me is hoping that her general boy attention whoreness ends up breaking his heart again. Because I love nothing more than an, I told you so. And it’s a much bigger part of me than I would ever willingly admit in real life. I don’t want them to be happy. I’m a lot more bitter than I would ever admit.

It’s just that the loneliness is getting to me.