.x. Hashtag

I think I was using it as a kick start point. The first bullet point in the list of things I needed to achieve. Turns out it didn’t give me any direction. I’m desperately in need of direction, I want to know the how and why and the exactness of it all. I won’t get it. And I think I need it but I know I can stumble through regardless but I want it.

I have returned. I am back. I am sitting here in front of my PC, typing at my keyboard, in my house, in the town I have despised for ten years. I’m back. I survived. Have I changed? Has seeing another part of the world made me any different?

I don’t think so.

I’m more determined that I don’t belong here but that was on the way to changing before I left anyway. I’m still terrified of the big changes. Of making big decisions. But all that anxiety I had before I went away about how things would be when I went away just kind of melted away once I was away. Then again some of that might have had to do with the fact that the person I went away with was the most neurotic, paranoid, annoying person. I’ve known this girl for nearly seven years, how did this only come to my attention now?

Basically the story of my life is once I spend quality time with anyone I end up hating them. I find all their flaws. And I rip them apart.

I had to take charge on this trip. That’s cool. I’m a leader. Dominant. But if you’re relying on me to make the decisions and do the organisation, don’t fucking dare question it. Don’t fucking dare whinge about it. If you don’t like it, do it your fucking self.

And tell me you fucking snore beforehand. No sleep Courtney, is a cranky arse bitch Courtney. Also lack of sleep has lead me to my immune system collapsing again. I’m epically sick at the moment. I’ve been home around three days but I’m a hotbed of virus, gunky eyes and a snotty nose. Good thing I don’t have a job I have to be well for.

Anyway. Truth. I loved it. Apart from the mentioned issues with the person I travelled with… also the non-mentioned issues. I fucking loved it. I love London. I think I maybe want to live there for a little while. I love the tube system. Paris… while beautiful… is scary as fuck. I don’t think I would care if I never went back there. Rome was pretty. But London really did it for me. Meeting all these awesome people in my contiki group really did it for me. Making new friends. Having the experience. Not being stuck in my little world. For a moment I felt… challenged. Living the potential? Being more than what I am.

I wish I was more than what I am.

I guess I need to start living big, instead of dreaming big. Do all the things I talk about instead of just talking about them. I finally started travelling… maybe it’s time to continue it. I’d like to tour America and or Canada next. I want to meet the people of the world.

I want to be more than what I am.