.x. Ashes & Bones

Have I learned my lesson yet? I doubt it. I tend to make the same mistakes. Stupid fucken me. Always end up waiting for these doormat arseholes who use me as a doormat. Where is fierce Courtney, who never took anyone’s shit? Who was okay with dying alone? Agh. Fuck this shit.

I am the tempest. I am the storm. I am a burning rage of fury. I am destruction. And I just want to leave a trail of devastation in my wake. I want to watch the world kneel at my feet and tremble. I want to be one of those kick arse female fictional characters that I love so.

What has brought this on, you might wonder? Or you might not care. You’re going to find out anyway. I need to write this out. I’ll rage about this for days, weeks, months maybe even, you know I can’t let things go. But writing about it is something I always need to do.

It’s been coming for awhile. I knew it. I knew it more so when I got the text from Cass saying that she saw you and her shopping together at IGA. Really it could have gone two ways and idiot me held onto the other way. The way where I said “Fuck you, you can make time to hang out with her but not me?” Instead it went the way of “I have a confession to make, I still have feelings for Kat and I can only be a friend to you, I don’t want things to get more complicated. I didn’t want to hurt you.” Blah Blah Blah Blah. Too late. I saw this coming and I ignored because stupid me, I haven’t managed to stomp out that pesky feeling of hope in me.

The conversation deteriorated pretty quickly from there. More than anything I want to retreat into the logic throwing immature tantrum but no, I’m not a child, I’ll try to at least act like a grown up when all I really want to do is post passive aggressive shit to facebook and scream. Say things like “Of course you still have feelings for her you dumb fuck.” and “No duh… you’re going to care more about someone you’re actually bothered to make time for in the last couple of months” or “Fuck you. I asked you multiple times if you just wanted to be friends. Fuck you for just using me when you wanted someone to talk to when you’re lonely.” or even “Congratulations. I hope you and her are happy together. She’ll continue to be a cheating little skank and you’ll continue to live a life you’re unhappy with. Both of you can stay stuck here in this stupid little town with your supermarket jobs.”

ARGH.

Instead it was more like “You realized we can’t be friends if you get back together with her?” “Yes” “Good, let’s not pretend and get it over and done with.” So I lost a friend too. I know that I’ve done the right thing for the long term. But that really doesn’t stop it from hurting like a bitch. Childish me hopes he’s hurting too.