The Return

So I finally followed through on the email from Open Diary and reclaimed my old account. I “celebrated” by wandering through my oldest entries (over 16 years ago!)…and good grief was I a self-important imbecile! 🙂 But I suppose I already knew that…we all seem to know that about our younger selves. Anyhow, I found this one entry that intrigued me…and I thought it might be interesting to do a comparison of how I wrote it then to how I’d write it now. Let’s see how this plays out (first set of statements is from early 2003…second set from today):

I AM different than I look. I am wild and crazy with a soft silent side to match. I am not the innocent girl some people think I should be, but that’s alright.
I AM strong and independent, but I think I look it these days. I am far more sedate than I used to be; the soft, silent side won the battle for supremacy of my personality. I am older and wiser than I once was, though I have a long way to go before I deserve the descriptor “wise.” I am amused that I ever believed that people thought of me as “innocent.” I am skeptical as hell about almost everything.

I THINK the world could be a better place if we would all just take a deep breath and relax. I think about everything and nothing. I think most when I’m bored, and all there is left for me to do is think. I think I’m full of shit.
I THINK incessantly, still about everything and nothing. I think the world still needs to take a deep breath, but I also think it may never do so in my lifetime. I think I’m still full of shit…just of a different kind than before.

I KNOW absolutely nothing. I know I’m educated, but I know that truly knowing doesn’t come from a piece of paper that says you’ve gotten good grades in your classes.
I KNOW the pain that comes from making hard decisions. I know the struggle that is living as an adult. I know that I am far more educated than I was before, but I still feel like I know so little.

I WANT to be perpetually inspired. I want to be with the people I love most. I want to be free of the confines of my life’s mask. I want to shed the expectations my family and friends have so that I might soar, and they can see the beauty that lies hidden inside, behind that mask of sameness.
I WANT to live an unencumbered life. I want to know things that can’t possibly be known. I want to see the world. I want to have the freedom to be who I want to be and do what I want to to without concern for the impact it would have on my professional life or my ability to pay the bills.

I HAVE more than enough. I have life. I have love. I have friends. I have family. I have myself.
I HAVE life. I have love. I have a puppy. I have friends. I have family. I have a deeper understanding of and appreciation for myself than I ever did when I was younger. I have responsibilities. I have the weight of concerns. I have bills to pay and spending habits that don’t always keep those bills in check. I have more than enough, and yet nowhere near what I need.

I WISH for the impossible. I wish that it wasn’t impossible. I wish that everyone could see and feel the beauty of life as I see it, so that they would cherish it instead of falling prey to petty disputes over worthless and temporary pursuits.
I WISH for the impossible. I wish for a winning lottery ticket to pay my bills and free my friends from their student loans. I wish I still spent time on my creative pursuits. I wish that wishes weren’t a waste of time.

I HATE hypocrites. I hate people who hurt the ones I love more than my own life. I hate that there are people in this world who can bring my heart to feel the disease known as hatred.
I HATE the alarm going off in the morning. I hate stubbing my toe or stepping on puppy chew toys in the dark. I hate the disease known as “hatred,” so I work very hard to hate nothing more than these trivial things.

I MISS the carefree days of my childhood. I miss Aaron. I miss talking to Terra, Lisa, and Jamie. I miss sharing a room with Amber, and having random visits from Daisy and Jessica.
I MISS the carefree days of my childhood…and even my college years. I miss old friends and flames, even though I know that it was right and good for them to go their separate ways. I miss writing…oh how I miss writing. I miss writing more than most anything else. I miss feeling joy and anticipation when thinking about my life and the direction it will go.

I FEAR loneliness. I fear the imaginary bumps in the night. I fear disappointing the people who care about me. I fear darkness and evil.
I FEAR losing the people I love. I fear losing the security that comes with a steady paycheck. I fear the direction society has taken over the past few years. I fear the elevation of ignorance. I fear letting go of the freedom and happiness I found after my divorce to take the next steps in my relationship. I fear that I will lose myself in that marriage the same way I did in my first…and that I will not be able to feel free or happy once that ring is on my finger. I fear hurting my partner (boyfriend is too inadequate a word for a couple in their late 30’s) with my fears. I fear…fear.

I HEAR the music of life. I hear the voices of angels. I hear my heart and soul crying over the separation from those who complete them. I hear my muse whispering and giggling in my ears. I hear my mind turning over idea after idea in it’s search for meaning.
I HEAR my mind running in circles as it avoids the work I’ve started to find overly dull. I hear the words of people who agree and disagree with me pounding endlessly in debates that can’t seem to be settled. I hear the vitriol of groups, sometimes understandable and others unwarranted, and I hear the underlying threat of violence and chaos that sometimes accompanies it. I hear the sounds of daily life, but I don’t hear as much light and beauty as before.

I SEARCH for happiness. I search for a path through life that will bring the greatest good into my life, as well as the lives of others. I search for understanding.
I SEARCH for happiness. I search for understanding. I search for a way to unite the areas of my life that seem so at odds with each other. I search for hope.

I WONDER if I’ll ever truly be free to think without trying to stay within the boundaries set by my parents. I wonder if I will ever escape the fears that bind me to this drear reality. I wonder if I truly have the wings one friend saw so long ago.
I WONDER why I ever thought I was restricted by boundaries supposedly set by my parents. I wonder why it took me so long to realize that every boundary I ever encountered was placed there by my own hand as I tried to fit the image I believed others wanted me to be…even though they never truly wanted such a thing. I wonder why I gave so much power to the people who legitimately did want me to be something else. I wonder why I was so afraid of things that were immaterial when there are so many real things to fear.

I REGRET nothing.
I REGRET a lot of things, but not enough to change them since they all led me to where I am today.

I LOVE Aaron, Terra, Lisa, Jamie, my family, my sweet Sadie (oh how I miss her). I love life and the many beauties that are a part of it. I love nature in all its form and splendor. I love faith, though mine would be best described as shaky. I love to see the glow of joy in people’s eyes, and hear it dance into their laughter.
I LOVE so many people. I love everyone, at least to some extent. I love my friends and family. I love my partner. I love that I really do see him as a partner in my life now instead of as someone who I just happen to love. I love traveling. I love reading. I love books and the library I’m creating out of my collection. I (really) love old books. I love making other people happy. I love that I know better than to let that get in the way of loving myself. I love innocence and laughter. I love nature and wildlife. I love so many things in life without even thinking about it, so that it’s sometimes hard to remember all of the things worth loving.

I ACHE as though my heart is breaking anew each day. I ache seemingly without cause.
I ACHE in a lot of places and a lot of ways. I ache when I get out of bed or when I stand after sitting for too long. I ache when I’ve been too active.

I CARE about my loved ones. I care far more than maybe I should.
I CARE about my loved ones. I care about people’s perception of me (though not as much as I used to). I care enough, but could probably stand to care a bit more, because I now believe that there isn’t enough care in the world.

I ALWAYS work to make my friends and family happy, no matter the cost. I always feel a hint of emptiness despite my many statements to the contrary.
I ALWAYS complain about having to be awake and functional in the mornings. I always find ways to avoid doing the things I don’t want to do. I always kick myself later for dodging those tasks. I always catch myself longing for the things I can’t have, even though I know better.

I AM NOT a mere puppet to be tugged and danced about at the flick of another’s wrist. I am not afraid to stand up for myself when I see that it’s in my best interest. I am not someone to be trifled with. I am not a pretty person when made angry.
I AM NOT someone to be trifled with. I am not a pretty person when I’m angry. I am not a fool or an idiot. I am not (or at least don’t think I should be) as intimidating as the people at work seem to think I am.

I DANCE when I can. I dance forever in my heart.
I DANCE very little because I am aware now that I look rather uncoordinated when I try. I dance in my head while my foot taps or my body moves in smaller ways to the beat.

I SING at the top of my lungs with the radio. I sing on the phone to my sweetie. I sing because it makes me happier than many things can. I sing because I feel a connection to something greater than myself or any other mortal when my heart and voice are joined in music.
I SING at the top of my lungs with the radio. I sing to myself in the shower or in the backyard. I sing less often than before, which makes me sad since I found such joy in song.

I CRY when stress becomes to much to handle. I cry when my mood spins out of control. I cry when I’m angry, and no one understands why. I cry when I hurt someone.
I CRY when I hurt. I cry when I lose something or someone of value. I cry a lot less often than I used to, which may be a good thing, but also may be a sign I’m suppressing tears.

I DO NOT ALWAYS do what I’m told. I do not always have to be happy. I do not always admit my true feelings. I do not always admit when I’m wrong. I do not always fit the perfect image people seem to think I am.
I DO NOT ALWAYS get things done as quickly as I’m able or as I’d like. I do not always finish what I start. I do not always have to be happy. I do not always freely admit wrongdoing (though I’m much better about admitting when I’m wrong).

I FIGHT very rarely. I fight when I’m too angry or hurt to back down. I fight for control of myself.
I FIGHT very rarely. I fight when I’m sure I’m right and I feel the matter deserves the conflict. I fight against everyone else’s apparent love of fighting.

I WRITE most of the time. I write fiction/fantasy. I write about the dreams I’ve had. I write about the things that interest me. I write no matter my mood.
I WRITE very little that doesn’t pertain to my job. I write creative things almost exclusively in my head, and without the kind of defined thought that could be easily transcribed at another time.

I WIN every possible chance I get.
I WIN the hearts of people who get to know me. (This one was hard.)

I LOSE very poorly. I lose control far too easily.
I LOSE very poorly, and avoid situations that could lead to losing so that I don’t have to worry about losing control. I lose my temper rarely, but with great gusto.

I CONFUSE others fairly frequently. I confuse myself.
I CONFUSE my perception of others’ expectations with their actual expectations, but I am aware that I have a tendency to do this, so I try not to fall prey to the suppositions and unfair boundaries I tend to impose on myself.

I LISTEN when my friends need me to. I listen to my baby’s heartbeat when I’m lying beside him in bed. I listen to the storms that roll over wishing that somehow my spirit could be a part of such fierce beauty. I listen more than you know.
I LISTEN when my friends need me to. I listen to music every chance I get. I listen to the thoughts and beliefs of people who disagree with me in an attempt to find common ground or at least places where compromise is possible. I listen less than I feel I should, but I still listen…to what is said…what is suggested…and what is not said (which often says a great deal more).

I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND in front of my computer or in bed. I can usually be found in a hammock at work, with either a book or my journal in hand, devouring the thoughts of others and pouring out my own.
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND at work or in my car between work and home. I can usually be found on my couch at home, snuggled up with my puppy and my partner watching travel/food shows or YouTube videos. I can usually be found within 5 feet of a book I’m reading.

I NEED to feel inspiration. I need to write. I need to be loved. I need to be my own person.
I NEED to have a respite from health issues that result in major medical bills. I need to find a way to self-motivate, so I can shine at work in ways that will get me the growth I need. I need to take a break from reality to find my creative spark. I need to be a writer once more. I need to feel inspired, by my muse, by my life, by anything.

I AM HAPPY ABOUT the way my life is going these days. I’m happy about Aaron saying he might be able to move closer to me. I’m happy about being able to see my future as a possible happy ending.
I AM HAPPY ABOUT my personal growth. I’m happy about finding a way to balance my desire for freedom and independence with the development of a relationship that will likely end in marriage. I’m happy about not feeling panic anymore when typing those words. I am happy about re-opening my diary and the glimmer of hope it gives…that pouring some words at random into a place like this might spark something more in me once again.

I SHOULD try harder. I should do what my heart tells me to without fear. I should trust people with my feelings instead of bottling them up and hiding them deep inside.
I SHOULD try harder. I should always try harder since my natural tendency is to just go with the flow, and I’m capable of so much more. I should let go of my fears and freely embrace life and hope. I should…get back to work. 🙂

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