Realization

So something has occurred to me within the past few days. Matt is losing me. Inch by inch and day by day, I’m pulling farther and farther away from him. It really started when I realized he wasn’t ready for the level of progression I am. That was waaay back, I know. However, at the time, I just made a mental note to keep a little emotional distance, so I wouldn’t get hurt when things moved so slowly. I vaguely remember warning him that I would be doing that, and to be prepared for it. I guess he took that warning to heart when I started finding other things to do on the weekends instead of going to his apartment. He hasn’t seemed bothered in the slightest.

Then, (I can thank my roommate and her eternal disappointment in him for this one) I realized that since I moved out of my parents house (yes, folks, that would be over a year and two months ago), Matt has only driven to see me two, maybe three times. When I first brought it to his attention, he said that he didn’t like spending the night at my apartment because my bed (a full size) is too small for him to share comfortably with me. He ends up spending the night on the couch, which, in his opinion, is completely contrary to the point of him staying over. I can understand that. He does have a queen sized bed, and he does like his space in his sleep (there’s not much cuddling going on…a fact that has started to rankle a bit). I let it go for a long time, but now that I live less than 30 minutes away, that excuse just doesn’t work for me anymore. He used to randomly show up at my parents house when I got home from work to surprise me and spend the evening with me, but he hasn’t even made plans to be at my apartment with the exception of when I moved in (at which point he showed up when I was almost finished moving everything of mine into the apartment after offering to help me move out of the old one). I don’t need him to spend the night every time I see him. I’d just like to see him sometime other than on weekends.

Another point of frustration is that we don’t talk anymore. The only conversations we have are about hockey (his favorite sport), movies (one of our shared loves), books (my passion, not his), his job, and his family. When we first started communicating outside of eHarmony, we talked for hours on the phone or sent disgustingly long emails to each other. Now, 17 plus month into this relationship, and I still don’t know his stance on major politcal issues or faith matters…two things that I typically avoid conversation about, but find terribly important. All I know is that he considers himself a Christian but has only attended church once in the time I’ve known him (he went to Good Friday service when we started dating so he could see me sing in the choir), and that he calls himself a conservative. That doesn’t help me at all, and I’m afraid to talk about those topics with him. Yes…that’s right…AFRAID. Very early in the relationship he said he never ever discusses those things with anybody, and I’ve been afraid to bring it up since then. Even if we never talk about those hot topics, I’d like to be able to feel comfortable asking him to turn off his game systems and talk to me. I’m not. Granted, part of that is my overwhelming desire to not be demanding or needy, but the other part is simply my worry that I’ll find we’ll have nothing to say to each other. We haven’t known each other long enough to have nothing to talk about.

The last little bit of negative I’m going to throw out there is that he seems to get annoyed with me so easily. He doesn’t look at me the same way he used to…where I felt like my heart would stop if he didn’t look away soon enough. More often than not, he’s looking either bland or annoyed. My jokes are rarely funny to him, and frequently he asks me not to say them ever again. The cursing I’ve developed of late apparently bothers him more than if I dropped the f-bomb (really…is saying ‘balls’ that bad?). I’m concerned that he’s lost interest and is just staying with me because it’s comfortable and habitual.

All that said, and I still love him. It’s not the burning passionate thing it once was, but I definitely enjoy being around him (when he’s not rolling his eyes at something I’ve said). I’m extremely attached to his family, and I feel like they are equally attached to me. I know deep in my heart that this is a relationship that is unlikely to resolve itself into a comfortable friendship if it ends. I don’t think Matt would be able to handle that given the physical nature of our relationship (though that hasn’t exactly been present in the past months…I’ll not even go into the details of that personal hell). But I don’t know how to talk to him about it before he loses me completely. I don’t want to sound like I’m throwing out an ultimatum, and I don’t want to sound like I’m ending things with him before he gets a chance to help me fix what’s wrong. I just don’t know what to do next.

I hope all of you are faring better than I…