J the Maelstrom

Today I’d like to email M and tell her that John has passed, but I think there is something in me that would do it today for spite. So I will wait a little bit- I want to say what difference will it make? There was no funeral. I can show her the gravesite but what? Is she going to visit? 

I don’t even know if she even cares. She’s older, and he saw good in her, and she was able to witness some of the best of him. She held his hand, I think he said, when he went to visit. I don’t know more about those things, other than what he told me. I would love to know… 

IJ says I should tell her. If I did it tonight it would be out of spite. Does it matter, the emotions of my heart when I do what is right? 

And how long can I stay here, anyway? People are dying in Gaza, it is disgusting. Disgusting. I have shit to do. I have shit to do, I can’t hold her emotional space. 

I can’t hold her emotional space. Fuck. 

— 

I did it. I did it as best I could. I’m glad I did, because I found words I’d written to her about what happened. About how John and I came together for a brief moment in time. 

About this fucking push and pull thing where we take turns being open to the other. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

Anyway. Let me do like JB and pull those words here:

Mon Jan 15, 2007

Hello dear M,

Thank you so much for your email. I am honored that

you wrote to me again. I am writing here in C—, at

2 am in the morning, and hoping with all my heart that

this email will come out as it should.  If i had

written it immediately, it would have probably been a

very different email, and if I wrote it an hour from

now, I have a feeling it should be something else. 

 

It is probably fitting that I am the one writing back

to you, and not John, since I am the one who has

re-started ALL, of this, and the only one who can

claim responsibility. 

 

In the meantime, I must say, “What took you so

long?!?” My God. It was like watching a turtle race.

Everyday, your name was on my lips, hoping you would

hurry on to the scene… however, now that I’ve said

that, in the parable, it IS the turtle who wins the

race in the end!

 

Well, Magen, without your help (thank you very much)

I’ve managed to get us into a complicated situation. I

was writing, begging, pleading that you’d start

writing to him, since you were the only person he

seemed to have any feeling towards. In the meantime, i

was desperately and woefully in love with the man. He

had no feelings for me, and i was hoping you would

come and then maybe i could let him go, knowing he was

happily in pursuit of his destiny.

 

Then, it’s time for me to visit America, and to see

him, and I am still waiting for you to write, and

feeling that i need just to touch his hand once, to

know for sure, is there anything at all there? 

 

To  make a long story short, he spends his time

convincing me to go back home and be grateful for the

beautiful life and friendly marriage I have, and i

spend my time trying to grasp what small moments I can

alone with him…. I cannot keep my hands to myself,

and everything i have inside, declares itself out. 

 

Were you guys waiting for each other? Because, at one

point in my grasping, he says, to me, “I’ve waited

this long, 32 years, and I would hate to think that I

couldn’t wait that small bit longer, you know, until i

was 33. and that I wouldn’t be able to that special

person, that I waited 33 years for you…”  I am

speaking to you from the center of a storm, that I

have created….

 

I think, maybe, that it was when he said this, that I

realized that i must return home, and do what he

instructed, because by his words, I now knew I was not

that special one.  So, i must return home, and try to

find the good. To enjoy the good life and kind husband

i have, and know that there are many who do not even

have this. 

 

However, in the meantime, somewhere between that

statement and the following day, upon his own

reflection, he found in his heart an old childhood,

deep and forgotten love which had spontaneously (with

my input) re-ignited… 

 

So, do you see the horrible mess I’ve caused?  And,

all the time, I STILL kept hoping you would write….

and after he had declared his love for me, I said to

him, I must return home, for at least a year…I need

to make the right decision… and in the meantime, if

she should write, you should respond, and see what is

there, it is fair to you, to her, to everyone. And, if

you find that there is love there, I will be very

happy for you. 

 

Finally, you wrote… please understand that he shared

it with me.. we only had each other.. and Magen, i

must admit, i could not find anything that showed

interest or love towards him. Of course, i am not

John, and I am not… subtle.  

 

Oh God. So, if there was something in between the

lines, I couldn’t find it, and this discouraged me

more about you being the one.. He was going to write

to you, but i think he didn’t know what to say, i

mean, he was now in the midst of something so big, and

you had been through so much… I said to him, “Tell

her that I came and you fell in love with me. I know

she will be happy for us.” 

 

But now – maybe I have a little perspective – i think

differently. I’ve been gone for a small while (it

feels like eternity) and I suffer daily, for what i’ve

done, am doing. And I can’t help but wonder if i stole

your destiny – you and him – because i was selfish,

impatient, and desperate to satisfy my need to know if

there was anything there, between this man and I.  And

yet, why would i attempt to know unless i planned to

do anything about it??? 

 

I know you are only a child… I’m sorry, but very

young, and therefore I should not place this

complicated burden before you, but I am doing what

I’ve done from the beginning, treating you as an

equal. I feel you deserve to know, from me, because I

am the one who made the mess. And, i want you to have

the opportunity to face this, with your own mind and

decisions.

 

Did you ever love him? This question has moved to a

new level. Because, the stakes are higher now. And the

consequences deeper. 

If you did, then you might want to think about what

your next move is. As an equal, as a woman, I am

telling you this. That if there is something that

should happen between you two, this is the year it

should be resolved, not next year, or when I’ve

destroyed all i have for love…. 

 

I think you have so much to offer him. Youth, and

need. And he would have always been gentle… 

 

But, now i must go. I’ve run out of things to say. If

you share this email with him, he may chastise me. I

AM, after all, also a child. Of a different sort.

However, if you don’t choose to share this email with

him, but take a moment to think about how you want to

contact him, if at all, and what you want to say….

By all means, feel free to be wise, and bold, and

speak with honesty, and to take this opportunity to

knock on that door before it is too late. 

 

He’s worth it. 

 

With the highest regards I can give,

 

J the Maelstrom