Obit

My diary is now fully restored, with notes, so I’m having fun reading my old entries.  I stumbled across this story I wrote and thought it was too good not to share again.

Sir Henry Fossington-Ponceby-Fletcher-Smythe-Taylor KBE, OBE, MBE, BSC, SSC
1960 – TBD*

Sir Henry Fossington-Ponceby-Fletcher-Smythe-Taylor passed away yesterday morning while in bed with his 19 year old Playboy Playmate of the year bride whilst on honeymoon.

Sir Henry, who was 60 years of age, is noted for being the only person in the history of the British Army for being court marshalled for being absent with leave. Upon his dishonourable discharge he embarked on a variety of careers including, but not limited to, TV news presenter, wine maker, resteraunteur, dairy farmer, professional gambler, poet, novelist and deep sea sponge diver.

However, when asked for his profession Sir Henry would reply, ‘A raconteur and a wit. Though some would say I’m only half way towards the second.’

A man of relentless drive and a fierce burning intellect, Sir Henry claims to have invented the laptop, the iPad, the internet as we know it, the internet in a different form, Big Mouth Billy Bass and Cheesy Granite before anyone else. He said that he didn’t pursue these as he wanted to give someone else a fair go.

Sir Henry is survived by one wife, five ex-wives, seven sons, six daughters, numerous illegitimate children, five grandchildren, a legion of adoring and heartbroken fans and Spot, his beloved pet zebra. His funeral will take place as soon as his blood alcohol level is sufficiently low for a safe cremation.

*Authors note: I always thought it would be amusing to read my own obituary and see it in print. Rumours of my death have, as a result, been greatly exaggerated.

Will