DARLING TO KICKSTART ECONOMY WITH…

…30 MILLION ONE POUND COINS

ALISTAIR Darling is to boost Britain’s faltering economy by giving 30 million one pound coins to poor people.

Mr Darling assured the Labour conference in Manchester that these coins are top quality but should not be used in fruit machines, adding: “They won’t work. I’ve checked.

“And don’t go examining them to see if the Queen’s head is lined up properly because that’s a lot of bollocks anyway.

“Look, who are you going to believe? The BBC website or the guy – me – who has the actual keys to the Royal Mint and can go in – whenever – and just take loads and loads of pound coins? Exactly.”

The chancellor said the economy had been damaged by reckless lending and excessive debt, but stressed everything was going to be fine because he had just applied for a £90bn overdraft.

Mr Darling insisted the loan was affordable as it was no more than 600,000 times his current salary.

He told delegates: “I’ll just cut back on DVDs and Haagen Dazs. And I’ll cancel my gym membership. Why do people pay for a fancy gym when they can just go for a run? Doesn’t cost any money to go for a run.

“And I’ll start getting the bus to work and I’ll renovate all my old shoes and I’ll make loads of soup. It tastes so much better when you make it yourself, doesn’t it? And it’s so cheap!”

Meanwhile the government has pledged to crackdown on City bonuses right up to the point where everyone moves to Hong Kong.

The Daily Mash