10 ways to annoy cold callers

10. Answer the phone with “Blue bear, blue bear, this is red bull”, and before agreeing on having a conversation, get them to say the ‘secret phrase’

9. Agree with something they never said: “Yeah, shoot em all. It’s the only language they understand”

8. Answer the phone with “Chello, Mexican embassy? *sneeze* Chow can I chelp joo?”

7. Answer the phone with “Jim’s taxidermy? You snuff ’em, we stuff ’em!”

6. Shout every third word of your sentence. Or do it in some sort of Fibonachi sequence.

5. Mimic the accent of the other guy on the phone. Works particularly well with Northerners.

4. Pretend they have called the local Chinese restaurant, and keep confirming with them that they want “Number Fifree free wiv rice”.

3. Cry down the phone and keep asking them why nobody understands your ‘crippling emotional dysfunction’.

2. Keep asking ‘why?’ at everything they say.

1. Pretend to be interested in what they are saying, then slowly make the conversation more and more surreal. Some suggestions include:
a. pretending you are interested in taking a loan because you are an international criminal who spent too much money trying to kill James Bond, before realising that he doesn’t exist.
b. pretending you are interested in double glazing in order to ‘stop the bees getting me’
c. pretending you need that new car loan in order to drive to your new giraffe farm. Those giraffes won’t be able to teach themselves the harmonicca, eh!

Will

Widgets & Flash Toys

Zedlavharas.

September 7, 2009

Haha! Nice.

toile_de_jouy

It would make things more interesting, especially for the poor cold caller, as I have been one of them! I think they’d rather have a surreal conversation than to be told to f*ck off.

*miss sarah*

hahaha! FANTASTIC! love it! can’t wait to try one of them out! random noter…

*Moonglow*

RYN 😛 was real bad actually 😛 and these made me giggle! could imagine doing some as well x

*giggles* i like number one. im gonna try at least one of these soon.

Camdengirl

11. “Can I speak to the business owner?” “Yes sure let me put you straight thru…” Divert call to 0870 9747418. Giggle manically!

#2 sounds like the best plan to me. 🙂

dear_gertrudeperkins

I want a giraffe farm! My fave one was one someone rang me sister to sell her a mobile phone and when she tried to decline and was asked why she said “I am against the mechanisation of society! I’ll kill all the robots!” and then made lots of weird zzz SHHH ZEEE zooo noises. Hahaha. My fave one that I did was just speak purely in quotes as the Fortune Teller from the Doctor Who episode Turn Left!! (“Ohhhh, you are fascinating!”)

Rodge

I suppose the greatest art of all is simply wasting their time for as long as possible so that they regret calling you. I tend to just make them hold and leave the phone hanging.

NotKieran

September 19, 2009

I simply respond in a language I’m sure they won’t understand. So far I have not had to resort to Dutch.