Dancing in Binds…

~~This is an entry by Lanis not a WildStorm piece~~

So this was ‘before’ then end of my night, since my night is apparently still ongoing…

I took on the assignment of being bound… Or the assignment took me on I should say… I never know what’s going to happen even when I pick a song in accordance to how I think I am feeling at the time…

I’m supposed to write this experience down in my diary – pen and paper – but I haven’t been good at that in ages… OpenDiary has been the closest to a committed diary as I’ve ever had… I know why I left it for so long, but I think I’m coming back…. It’s a place I can again express myself freely… Which I’ve been supressing for a while…

Which is why I picked this exact assignment to dance with my hands in binds….

One may think that when asked whose on my mind I would say my lover/husband…. But no it’s not about that….

I picked the song "Hell Bent by Kenna" thinking it would go with the whole theme of being controlled anyway….

I had been having trouble breathing all night through the class… My sinuses were killing me… The amazing thing though is somehow when it comes to my own turn to dance for those glorious 5-8 minutes I can miraculously breath again….

There I was in binds…. Leaning against the pole… Facing the red lamps…. It’s my default position opposed to being against the wall or on the floor… It makes me feel like I have options…

The strains of "Hell Bent" Kenna’s achingly haunting voice emercing the room….

It actually brings my brother back to me… The brother I lost… This was the song we shared… The song we watched in wonder and amazement… The song we both had connected with soul…. The song that later helped me through the grief process of losing him…

Often I still feel trapped by the sense that I should have been able to stop the series of events that brought him there though there was no way I could have known it anyhow… That’s why after his death, this song continues to stay with me even deeper…

I thought that I knew where I would take the dance…. But how wrong I was…. The dance took me…. How odd that leaning against the pole, bending backwards, sliding my head down, chest ached towards the skys, toes tipped to deeped that curve that arch — that was the moment throughout the entire day that I could actually breath through my entire being….

Having my hands tied force me to use the rest of my body more for the movement…. The music was captivating…. I wanted to get lost in those strains… Dancing to such a song is so different from merely listening to it…. It moves your mind, your heart, your soul and your entire body is swept into that turbulance…. Throwing you around, convulsing, drving, fighting, then finally shuddering — surrending as my instructor said "To the demise of your soul…." Which like the Pheonix was reborn again….

Only long after I sat down later hands resting on my knee did I realize that I skinned my knees… Parts of the outer layer just frigging peeled off and I didn’t even know that was happening when it was happening during the dance….

It’s really hard to express how I felt during that dance…. But I was in such a trace that I did not feel my skin peeling off… I should do it again with kneepads — though I hate dancing with knee pads… It’ll probably keep me from sinking into the trace that I need to give into in order to allow my soul that journey…

It is a discovery… It is a release…. It is liberation… It is love….

God bless…

Lanis