Writing & Radical Change

I am unsure of why I haven’t been able to keep writing here. Perhaps, I needed to go through some other processes to return. For today, for right now, I am present.

I remember how I used to write nearly every day in the former Open Diary before it closed down. I had friends here. I had memories. I had a writing outlet. I felt safe on this platform. I still do. And yesterday, I realized how much I missed being here (again) and that maybe I should keep trying to write.

While other people write leisurely about their lives here, life itself, experiences, and everything important to them, I have found it hard to do publically. I’ve been on other social media sites, Facebook, TicTok (only to view the videos and comment, not to make them), Pinterest, and Instagram, and recently, I made a Bluesky account. I am also trying out Lemon8. I’ve been on Twitch some, but not for gaming reasons. I’ve been looking into other sites too. There are so many now, that I am unsure of where I want to spend my time. As I return here, I find it so pleasant and peaceful to be on this page, see my photos, read some of the old comments, and remember what it was like to be here in the past. It was a different time, but I still feel the peace that I felt then. It is a reprieve of sorts from other social media.

The world has quite changed in the last ten years of so. 2014-15 marked a new journey for me. I want to say success found me, but it think it was short-lived. I finished a Graphic Design/Photography program and started my own business. Looking back, I know I didn’t market myself enough and neither did I seek marketing. I made more money doing photography than graphic design. I will blame that on my location and the fact I operated my own business rather than working for a company. And while I tried to keep my skills updated as time went along, somewhere I think I fell short or the world changed so much, I wasn’t in demand. This sounds so bad. I did gain better skills and I’m there now. I lost my professional camera last year and I’ve had to rent cameras for work now. I am not truly satisfied with the mirrorless kind. This won’t mean anything to those who know about photography. I liked mine. I had mastered many things on it. It was a blow to lose it and not have the funds to replace it. However, it’s been nice to rent cameras before buying another one to see what I like and what I don’t like about the newer ones. Another thing holding me back from doing photography is the seeming lack of others interested in it. There is still an outlet for wedding photography or some special occasion, but less for personal photography. People use their cell phones and have mastered selfies, poses, and such. I have also not promoted myself like I should. I have felt quite blue about the whole thing. Photography isn’t like it was when I began doing it. I will always take photos even if it’s only of my family. Before I took photos of people, I took nature photos, which will remain a type of photography I will always do. I’ve also learned quite a few phone photography tricks so there’s that. My career in these fields are on my mind these days, how and if I want to proceed, if I should market my skills or do something entirely different for a job.

I am finding joy in my other interests. I used to write a lot, of journals with themes, online and offline, about my woodland home. My last diary here was named, “Into The Woods.” I feel a desire to get back into writing about nature again. My writing included poetry and prose, song lyrics, quotes, blogs, and more. My writing endeavors have been on hold for some time now. In 2014, I lost a friend who I refer to as my “writing soulmate.” He lost his battle with colon cancer in November of that year. He left self-published books behind, one I helped edit. I have an English background also. He kept journals with profound writings and lessons I have never forgotten. I tried to pattern mine after his but in a way that made my writing my own. He was prolific keeping handwritten journals most of his adult life. I kept a few, but many later on in life. He always told me I was prolific. We both were. I’m sure he is with me from the ethereal and I have felt provoked to write many times. His loss was a deep cut for me and I have found it hard to continue over the years. My life changed quite a bit ten years ago, the loss of my friend, but a new journey in career. I will say that when he passed, I was putting together his last book, a journal about how he dealt with cancer. He also did photography, but as a hobby. Needless to say, I didn’t get the book finished before his death. I had the skills as a graphic designer to do the page layout and also add the photos. This one never got published. I haven’t been able to touch it. All that was needed to finish the book was putting a few photos in place. After his death, I reached out to his mother and sister and another friend of his. His mother didn’t believe me. He sister wouldn’t respond to my proof of the book and his desire for me to put it together. His friend accused me of trying to make money off of him when I included his desire to give me 10% of the profit if the book sold. His death and this accusation made ne give up on it. I still have everything. I said I would finish it by last November and didn’t. I’m not sure how his family would feel about it now. I still have his words we exchanged about the book in a conversation we had on Facebook Messenger. My proof. I am unsure if his mother is still alive. I know his two sisters are probably alive. He has one son who I could contact about the book. It was my intention to send him a finished book in PDF form. It was dedicated to him anyway. I still find it so difficult to touch. I still feel a deep sense of grief and shame for not getting it finished before his death. I know it’s not too far from November, the ten year mark. Can I find the strength to finish it? Time passes so fast.

If I continue writing here, I think I’d like to write more about nature and about this friend I lost,but also these important things that remain from my past. my everyday life too. I can feel some radical changes coming about. I welcome them.