What An Experience!!

I haven’t been here since October. So much has happened I’m not sure I can report all of it.

I had intense stress over the holidays/Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was in charge of dinners for a high number of family members. I was so stressed on Thanksgiving I couldn’t eat much. Christmas was better but still intense. New Years was even better. It went well.

On January 20th, I went to the ER with pain in my side. A CT scan showed I had a kidney stone. I was given medicine to pass it. But a couple of days later, something still didn’t feel right. I was very nauseous. I went back to the ER fearing I might have appendicitis. I am a diabetic so I don’t wait around when my health goes awry. Another CT scan showed the kidney stone was too large to pass. There were also more complications.

I was admitted to ICU. To make a long story short, I had two serious bacterial infections related to the lodged kidney stone, ecoli and sepsis. My kidney couldn’t filter my blood due to the blockage. I was also in DKA (Diabetic Ketoacidosis-blood sugar too high), the bacteria had spread into my bloodstream, I continued to be nauseous and was to a point of dry hacking. And I had to be kept on oxygen. I had to be put to sleep and a urologist inserted a stent into my urethra so my urine could flow to my bladder. I was catheterized. I couldn’t eat at all. I did drink Boost, Sprite, and water. I kept down a bit of jello and a few bites of soft fruit on occasion. The nausea did end. The antibiotics took care of the bacterial infections. I was weak and still could not eat.

I went home after four days in the hospital. I still didn’t eat for two weeks. I lost 6lbs which was actually a good thing. Since then, I’ve been able to eat a meal here or there. I’ve continued to drink Boost (nutritional drink), eat jello and pudding, peanut butter and crackers, sometimes cheese. Yesterday was the first time I’ve eaten 3 meals and dinner the night before. I had Boost for breakfast this morning.

I’ve continued to be weak and unmotivated from the sepsis. I’ve been stronger on some days, able to do things like wash dishes and straighten up. I attended a birthday party, but I was very weak and didn’t know if I could get through it or not. And I was able to walk around Walmart two days ago.

I saw my urologist yesterday. I haven’t had much of a memory or understood everything that is going on with me. Family members have explained it to me more than once. It seems Sepsis will take your memory, make you unmotivated, keep you weak, and make your appetite disappear. So, I have surgery on March 5th to pulverize the stone by laser. The stent will be taken out for the procedure then put back in for a week to avoid scar tissue from forming. And maybe then all will be good for at least that condition.

I’ve been able to get my blood sugar down by increasing something called long-acting insulin taken once a day. I also take something called fast-acting insulin before meals to correct my blood sugar number. This is based on a sliding scale. I hope this is understandable for the most part.

AND on top of all the illness, I’ve started recovery from narcissistic abuse that lasted four years. I think I’ve known it for a while, but my boyfriend is a narcissist. He was violent with me last April. He had been drinking. We got into an argument and he broke my cell phone, ripped my shirt off me, kept me in the house and from leaving especially the next day. He has driven me to his hours that weekend. I usually stayed Friday through Monday. morning. He wouldn’t stop drinking to be sober enough to take me home. I live in another town quite a distance away. I panicked. I didn’t know how to get away from him not having a car. I really just wanted to go home and take my stuff with me. I got out of the house, flagged someone down on the highway who took me to a roadblock where police were. He was arrested and taken to jail overnight. His landlady bailed hin out of jail but he still had to go to court later on. I gave him the benefit of the doubt justifying it was the alcohol that drove his behavior. My family was there to take me home and then to go back and get my things later on. There is more to the story I’m not going to share. After this, I gave him another chance to prove to me he could treat me well. He did for a short time and he stopped drinking. Then he started again. Everything he did was geared around what he wanted. He’d give me bits and pieces of my needs, just enough to keep me hanging on with unrealistic demands, punishments for not doing as he wished or what benefitted him, etc. Narcissists are very cruel, wear you down emotionally and physically, kill your self-esteem, just basically ruin your life. I was seeing him and talking to him without telling my family. I wanted to gauge his behavior to see if he just had normal tendencies like most of us do/selfishness or if he was a full-fledged narcissist. I had decided he was and I had to do something about it. He had me convinced to spend the rest of my life with him, to look for a house to buy, etc. I could not put my head around it. He had too many bad habits and thinking about it made me feel suffocated.

Upon my admission to the ICU, I called to tell him where I was. He actually brushed it off as if I wasn’t seriously ill and focused on “all he’d been going through.” He claimed to have Bipolar Disorder, but I believe he was just acting. At that moment, his behavior made me decide to go “no contact” with him. This is the best way to handle a narcissist by what I’ve read. So I did. I was too ill to talk on the phone. I ignored his calls and later blocked his Fb messages. He calls using No Caller ID which seems impossible to block. I decided he was the most irritating person I’ve ever known. And while I had pre-existing health issues, I really believe he exacerbated them. I’ve noticed my health has gone downhill since getting together with him. That’s over now.

He called twice yesterday. It was his birthday. I think he thought I might have some sympathy for him or I’d give him some kind of special treatment. I remained “no contact.” He’ll have nothing more from me ever. I’m letting go. I don’t blame myself because I was tricked. I’m just going to focus on healing both physically and emotionally.

I’m thinking I just went through one of the hardest experiences of my life. I am grateful for the help of doctors, medicines, and the help of my family. I couldn’t have survived this alone. It scares me to think if I had waited longer to go to the ER, I may not be here. Sepsis can cause death.

So this has been my life since I wrote last in October. Please send good vibes my way. I have more healing to do. I hope to find the motivation again to do the activities I used to love and to be physically stronger soon. 😊