Budget

As many of you know I hate money. Especially if I’m spending it. It is the vice of me. What? I don’t know.

I’m trying to see if. I can move out and go back to school all at once. I want to. It’s what I truely want. The test I want to pass. More than survival. I want to live. You know. Not just get by. But enjoy it. If there is a struggle. I’m so scared.

I still haven’t gotten up the intestinal fortitude to. Tell my sister and my brother-in-law that I don’t want to go to a vocational school. And get by with something that will help me make more money. It just sounds good. But it is not. Fulfilling. I want to learn more about the world before I go and dig me my own little hole to call my own.

I called Erin last night. We talked, casually. We didn’t make plans. But he’s very busy at the moment. I don’t want to make excuses. It’s not an excuse. What IS an excuse is. What I’m going to tell Mad D today or tomorrow. You see. She wants to come up here this weekend. And she’s going to bring H Bomb. And I know I’m going to end up baby sitting a drunk or two. That’s not my idea of fun. Not a ball at all. So I’m going to tell her that I’m working Sunday. What a lie.

And in the back of my mind I’m planning. On how to ask Erin out to the Garden of the Gods Sunday, after church. If I go. If he invites me. Would it be awkward if I just showed up? With out an invite? I don’t know the rules about this. I want to tell him he ties my stomach up. In a nice way. But I’m afraid he’ll think I’m too juvenile for saying so. He hasn’t kissed me yet. That made me very. Frustrated. But I think he’s just taking it slow. And I should start thinking slower. I’m not a fast girl after all. Ok?

I wrote another letter to God last night. I thanked him for the sky. And the lesson of not judging. I come very close everyday. Especially at work. But I hear Him. It’s not my place really. I’m walking just fine.

kt