Vote 1 Spinal Trap

 Welcome to the home page of the independent senate candidate, spider von trapp.  

I believe that politicians these days don’t really stand for anything.  They are just trying to say the right thing and pander to as broad a cross-section of the compulsively conservative mainstream as they can.  They spread themselves too thin and as such, there’s no depth to them or their promises. 

Except for me.  I offer a new kind of politics.  I am willing to stick my neck out and represent what I believe in, no matter how controversial.  And I have some new fresh ideas to introduce to parliament that I don’t believe have been discussed before.

FAQ
What are you main policies?

• I am for the complete abolition of marriage as a legal contract.  I propose that civil unions will be entered into as tax arrangements by consenting parties of any number, including communes and people who don’t have sex together let alone intend to have children.   Marriages can continue as religious sacraments and quaint cultural practices, like first holy communion or bahmitzvahs.  
• I am for Tuna-free zones.  In these places, families and workers will be able to enjoy their lives without inhaling someone else’s canned tuna. 
• I will vote for legislation that will insist that pubs close at the same time that trains start going again in the morning.  This will reduce drink driving and eliminate the need for NightRide buses which no one likes anyway.  Does this mean the trains will start earlier or that pubs will stay open later?  The answer is yes. 
• I will vote to pass the Where Whatever You Want legislation that will simultaneously decriminalise nudity in all public places and protect people’s civil right to wear hijab, niqab, burqa and jeggings.  This will unsettle many people, but even if we don’t agree with it, we must give people the choice to wear jeggings if they really feel they need to.  If it disturbs you, then look away.
• If I manage to get the balance of power, I will block all anti-smoking legislation until the Senate passes anti-driving legislation.  What in the fuck is the point of stopping people smoking when we breathe in car fumes and put ourselves at risk of vehicular accidents? 
• Many of my constituents complain about gangs of unemployed youths altering public surfaces with their graffiti.  I will therefore pay the people who decorate unsightly brickwalls in this way, and I will determine the rate of pay according to the quality of the work they produce.  This will incentivise more attractive graff art, help the street art scene here to become world famous and most of all it will also give them employment, and we can then tax them.
• I will allow people to retire any time after 50, but when they do retire, they will forfeit their right to drive and to vote.  Let’s not censor ourselves with political correctness here – once old people have retired, they become out of touch with the rest of the population and espouse ridiculous political beliefs.  With the growing proportion of old people in the population, these absurd Alzheimer-driven views are over-represented in Australian politics.   So I will increase the old age pension and ease the means test for it if they agree not to give their opinion on anything or vote or operate heavy machinery.

Why should I vote for you?
You should not vote for me because you agree with everything I say, or because I kissed your baby.  You should not vote for me because I have the wit and charm of Barnaby Joyce (who I think is a lovely man.  You’d have to be a very lovely man to make the National Party so popular in this day and age.)
You should vote for me because I’m the only one with a spine.  If I had my own political party, it would be called Vertebrates for a Better Senate. We need more spines in the Senate, because I think having so many hunchbacks is setting an unhealthy example for our children.  They will think it’s okay to go without adequate calcium and to avoid the medical test for scoliosis in high school. 

Where do your run-off preferences go?
I like to punish people for voting above the line by sending all my preferences to the candidates you hate most.  I do this by analysing the hand-writing, fingerprints and DNA left on your ballot paper and then using that data to deduce your least preferred candidates. Let this be a lesson to you.

Are you serious?
Actually, yes.  I would be happy if these ideas became law.   Nothing I’ve said here is any crazier or more arbitrary than saying that people should only be allowed by law to marry one gender or that they can’t wear things on their heads in public.