One Hour Hotel

"For those who looks for casual fantasies"    

 <—- Photo from their site.  I’m pretty sure that this is the exact same guy that was at the reception of Villa Exotica, Sydney’s first and only love hotel, this Sunday when I went there.   Of course, it’s hard to see in that photo, and I’m a racist white Australian, so it’s probably just that he’s Asian.

Anyway, this is my review of that hotel.

Sydney is lame, so like I said, this is the first hotel of its kind and it only opened about a year ago.  Meanwhile, in Korea, these things are everywhere.   Jealous.

The context of this visit is that my boyfriend spends his week in Bathurst, a completely shitty bikie-ridden country town in Western NSW, as part of his uni scholarship.   He studies surveying and this job is with what was formerly the Lands Department.  I don’t know, it’s something to do with maps and not enough maths, according to him.  So no sex for me during the week.  Sometimes we skype, and that’s good because I don’t have a webcam so I just get to be creepy and watch him and not be self-conscious, but really I need more than that. And so each weekend when he’s come home, I’ve neglected my social life and fitness to spend Quality Time with him.  

This weekend, he had too much work on and he wasn’t coming down.  This was bad for many reasons.  Firstly, my dad invited us to family lunch but apparently L had forgotten.   Secondly, L hates it in Bathurst and his depression has been getting pretty bad, so he misinterpreted something I said and was getting really down about it, so him staying away was a bad sign.  Thirdly, the charger for my… uh…   the present he got me before he went away for vac work last year… it stopped working.   So like… not good.

But after talking it through, he decided to come down on Sunday only for lunch, and then catch the afternoon train back up.  Door-to-door the trip is 5 hours each way.  Lunch was lovely, but not 10 hours public transport lovely.  So after lunch and dropping Alex back with his dad at Central station, we had 2 hours left in the city before the one and only train to Bathurst was going.  Too old and tired to be chased out of university basements by security guards, too toey to sit around making polite conversation… we both remembered a flyer we got in the city a year ago, about a new place opening up.

Blah blah blah…  fast forward through the boring story set-up.

So we walked in off the street, up the obligatory stairs to the desk you see in the picture above to be greeted by a very clean-shaven nervous-looking Asian dude in a thin black tie.   They don’t advertise the price outside because they know once you’re standing at the desk, you’re not really in a position to complain about $80 for 1-1.5 hours.  You do get free wine with that, they say, but only on request.  And you get a free movie, which is to say that when you get into the room there will be porn playing non-stop on the TV.

This is the room we got –>


The walls are actually a furry cow print, which I don’t think is very hygienic under the circumstances but I thought it was great.  

The bed would be terrible for your back to sleep on but I don’t think they get any complaints about that.

The porn was… meh.   Some ugly white dude fucking an angry-looking Filipino chick up the arse.   Pretty standard fare, ignored it most of the time.

So of course, this was all quite hysterical.  I was enthralled.  I even just loved the fact that we got escorted to the room by a really nervous quiet dude wearing a tie who knew exactly why we were there.  I dunno, I just liked that a lot, especially that he was wearing a tie.    Even better I’m pretty sure the walls there are made of some very thin temporary material that would not suppress sound. At home, I have to be quiet in order not to piss off the neighbours, but that didn’t apply to this place.  So very loud, and again, I got such a kick out of the idea that the poor chap at the desk would have to listen to it, and all the other dodgy goings-on in that place.  What can I say, I’m a dirty old man.

As soon we got in to the room, we ripped our clothes off, got into the shower and <———————— OPEN DIARY HAS CENSORED THIS CONTENT BECAUSE FAT DOWDY CHICKS OVER THE AGE OF 25 TALKING ABOUT THEIR SEXUAL EXPLOITS ARE INAPPROPRIATE.   IF YOU WANT TO READ ABOUT SOMEONE HAVING SEX, THERE ARE PLENTY OF 13 YEAR OLDS ON HERE WHO WILL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THE TIME THEY LOST THEIR ANAL VIRGINITY, AS LONG YOU’RE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND TXTSPK —->   and oh boy did I feel great after that.  

At this juncture, we remembered the promise of free libations, so L drapped one of the ridiculously small towels they provided around his midsection and casually stuck his head out the door to ask the uncomfortable reception guy for the wine, as if he were asking a waiter for a serviette.   The guy quickly hurried over with two plastic novetly medieval goblets of what I am sure was Passion Pop, and Laurence struggled to take them while keeping the towel on.  I was on the bed in hysterics – that part alone was worth the 80 bucks.

So we drank some cheap wine that reminded me of my teenager days, and despite considering heading up to the station for coffee before the train, suddenly got our second wind so to speak and maybe it was the wine but I suddenly decided to get down on my knees and <—————– OPEN DAIRY CENSORSHIP HERE AGAIN;  SAY, IF YOU DON’T LIKE SEXUALLY ACTIVE 13 YEAR OLDS THEN THERE ARE PLENTY OF WOMEN ON HERE TRYING TO GET PREGNANT WHO WILL DESCRIBE THEIR MENSTRUAL CYCLE, CONSISTENCY AND COLOUR OF THEIR CERVICAL MUCUS, AND TAKE DAILY PHOTOS OF THEIR BELLY ONCE THEY ARE KNOCKED UP, I’M SURE YOU’D RATHER READ ABOUT THAT RIGHT? ——->  so my word, did we get value for our money.

I give Villa Exotica 4 out of 5 for decor – it was kitsch but felt clean at the same time, when they probably could have gotten away with it being a total disgusting dive;  5 out of 5 for ambience;   5 out of 5 for service and 3 out of 5 for price.   Overall, I guess, 4 out of 5 for this hotel.    I highly recommend it.