Dilemma

To med or not to med, that is the question. Whether it is saner in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of rages and crying, or to take capsules against a sea of sorrows and in medicating them, end them; to be awake past 9, to be able to get things done quickly and efficiently, to weigh less than a family of elephants, NO MORE.

How do you put tables in? I can’t get this thing off rich text editor to make a table. That’s probably because old OpenDiary was weighed down in loads of MySpace-era kiddie script so it’s been restricted to this, but some tables would be nice.

PROS OF NOT TAKING MEDS ANYMORE    |   CONS OF NOT TAKING MEDS ANYMORE

Experiencing the full range of emotions daily  |  Experiencing the full range of emotions daily
House is clean, dishes are done man.              |  Frequent flashes of disproportionate rage
Getting shit done                                                  | Sometimes daydreaming is even more intense and disruptive than normal
Not taking people’s shit                                       | Alienating myself by telling people to go fuck themselves a little impulsively
Can now cry at funerals                                       |  May now cry at everything else, not just funerals
Never have to go through withdrawal again   | Not sure when dizziness will go away
More engaged in reality                                       | A couple of rando depersonalisation episodes
Sexual function fully restored                            | Sexual function way the fuck restored when I have no use for it and it’s dangerous
Way more awake and less drowsy                     |  Too easy to skip sleep now, which risks a relapse
Less expensive                                                       | How do I tell my shrink?
Desire to eat vegetables returning                    | Though less junk food is consumed, more food overall being eaten
Probably can lose weight now maybe?            | But will I really lose weight if keep making vegetarian banquets for dinner?
Money no longer determines sanity               |  But what the fuck does determine sanity now?

PROS OF GOING BACK ON MEDS                 | CONS OF GOING BACK ON MEDS

Ends last lingering withdrawal symptoms     |  Have to eventually go through withdrawal again unless dependent for life
My chemist is nice                                               |  My chemist gets enough money out of me for thyroxine, which i can never stop.
Much less likely to kill people                            |  Much more likely to let people live when they don’t deserve it
Way more chill                                                     | Shouldn’t I figure out how to be chill normally?
Can taper off again afterwards                          | Do I want to lose the benefits so far just to repeat the process under supervision?
Shrink will probs give me valium                      | Will I just stock pile meds and valium for potentially disastrous results?
Less likely to contemplate disastrous results |  Less likely to contemplate anything at all

I give the dizziness a few more days to fuck off. The emotional lability has died down, and if the neurological effects go away by pay day, I’ll just keep the script in a safe easy to find spot, and book in with the shrink at the end of the semsster.