Daddy Walken and Daddy Jimmy

 If I could choose new parents, I’d be brought up by two dads – Christopher Walken and Jimmy Stewart.  Imagine how fucked up my speech patterns would be with those two teaching me how to speak, haha.

  I’d make sure Daddy Walken is the one that goes to parent teacher interviews.  Daddy Jimmy is more the soft touch when it comes to discipline but Daddy Walken would scare the shit out of teachers. Daddy Jimmy would just like "Well, well now just see here, Mrs. Johnson, I don’t think it’s fair to say that about my daughter."  Daddy Walken would be silent for a long time, staring until the teacher stopped talking out of nervousness, and then he’d be like "See, Mrs. Johnson… Julia, may I call you Julia?  That’s a lovely name, by the way.  Elegant… antiquated…   You see, Julia… I … don’t think you understand… what the fuck you are talking about."  He’d let me smoke his cigarettes as long as I don’t tell Daddy Stewart know.  Daddy Stewart would brush my hair a lot.  Both of them would interrogate my boyfriends until they piss themslves so I’d have to sneak out to go on dates.  Daddy Walken would know I was sneaking out, and would follow me down the street in the car with the lights out just to scare me, and if I start running he’ll put the high beams on and yell derogatory names at me out the window.  How exciting.  

Then in the evenings Daddy Walken would come home and kiss Daddy Jimmy on the cheek while he is cooking dinner.  When they think I’m not looking Daddy Walken would go up to Daddy Jimmy and start trying to dance with him while the spaghetti sauce is bubbling.  Daddy Jimmy would be like "Now, now see here, darling… now I don’t think this is a-a-a-appropriate right now" and Daddy Walken would just spin him around and they’d do a waltz in the kitchen, Walken would dip Jimmy Stewart and it’d be all cute until the sauce bubbles over and Daddy Stewart would get all angry "Awww.. aww, oh no, oh gosh darn it…  look what you made me do, Christopher." 

Honestly, I can’t work out whether it’s creepier to imagine Christopher Walken and James Stewart having sex, or my parents doing it.