Another Way To Show You How Superior I Am

 There was this ad, see, and on the ad they were trying to sell chicken, see and the way they did was to say that if you don’t like chicken there’s something wrong with you, see and I don’t like chicken, it’s the most disgusting substance in the world next to tuna, see but I thought the ad was funny.  Because it wasn’t serious.  They don’t actually think there’s anything wrong with me except that I don’t give them my money.   It’s not personal, see.

It’s never occurred to me to write in to anyone who makes an offensive ad or show.  Otherwise I’d be super best friend penpals with every manufacturer of washing liquid in Australia.  I’ve found not watching ads is a very effective solution to avoiding being offended by them.  That’s just how I roll.  

My friend from high school, Liesel, saw the ad, became outraged and wrote in to complain about the villification she felt had been levelled at her.  When she told me this, I had to hide my mortification for the sake of not being rude.  God it was hard.  Not only did it worry me to know someone my age that would actually get their panties in a twist over a chicken ad, but it was someone that at one time I considered to be a BFF.  Back when I had close personal relationships with people. 

Her reason is that she is a vegetarian.  I had never known her to be one until she complained about the ad.  Apparently, she became an ovolacto-vegetarian a year ago when she read that it would make her lose weight.  She doesn’t seem to notice that fatty boomsticks here has been that kind of vego since age 2.   Besides, you’d think that someone who has adopted a vegetarian diet only recently and has done so for so prosaic a reason wouldn’t be moralistic about it.  But apparently not.  She was really offended that an ad told her in jest that by not eating chicken there was something wrong with her.    

I think the ad is right.  There is something wrong with her.  She ate chicken for 25 years of her life.  She doesn’t eat it now by choice, not gustatory predilection. The ad clearly says that people who dislike the taste of chicken have something wrong with them.  The ad is not aimed at her.  The ad is aimed at people like me who have never voluntarily eaten a single morsel of chicken outside a pureed jar of baby food, most of which ended up all over the high chair.  I honest to dog hate the smell, sight and sound of chicken flesh.  I’ve been riding the prairies of vegetarianism on my high horse since infancy while she’s been chowing down on cute widdle animals, rolling her eyes at me when I didn’t want to share a BBQ chicken pizza.

Well, not a high horse as such, because I hate horses.  I wish I did like meat so I could kill them and eat their succulent flesh.  It’s more like a high bicycle.  With streamers.   

Now she tells me she’s an "aquatarian", who eats fish.  Oh wow, ten points for commitment Liesel.  I was one of those for a while too.  But I don’t make a big fuss and write into people complaining that they’ve insulted my sacred dietary choices for the sake of marketing propaganda.  What if she flip-flops on chicken too?  Will she write in to withdraw her letter of complaint?   

Dear Liesel, your advertisement of the fact you eat fish is offensive to me.  You are torturing our marine friends and destroying the oceans. Coupled with your lacking sense of humour and the fact I don’t want to know what you eat for dinner unless it is served in pancake form, I demand you shut the fuck up immediately.  Yours sincerely, a concerned citizen.