old things made new again in an instant

I don’t understand why I have so many things to be happy for and still I just wanna cry. I walk around daily with a knot in my stomach like in an instant everything will just fall apart. This is not an exaggeration. Literally, I’m amazed my stomach isn’t lined with ulcers from one end to another. It is a constant feeling of uneasiness. It is something that started when I was little. Laying in bed listening to my mom and dad fight and wondering how long it would be before I was brought in the middle of it. Waking up in the morning trying to get ready for school unnoticed for fear I would have the wrong look on my face and "get it knocked off" or whatever excuse he decided to use that day. I really think ruining my day somehow made his. I couldn’t count the number of times i went to school with a fat lip or puffy eyes from crying because I had just been called a fat whore or nasty slut. (that started in about third grade) I think he liked thinking of me that way because it somehow made it easier for him to do the things he did to me if he didn’t think of me as an innocent child. Well, guess you wouldn’t say innocent. That was taken from me long before that. And my mom all these years later wants me to tell her DETAILS!!! Are you kidding me???? Even if she didn’t know everything she seen the fucking bruises. When I said daddy did it she called me a  liar. Do you honestly think I’m gonna tell you about the things that hurt on the inside when you make me feel crazy for showing you the outside proof? And to beat it all, she is trying to get a state check because SHE is too emotionally unstable for the things that happened to ME as a child. What kind of person does that? I guess she needs details so she has something to talk to the shrink about and work up some tears so she’ll look really pitiful. Guess what I looked pitiful when he broke a board over my back while she sat and watched. I didn’t get to talk to anyone about it. No one ever thought I might be "emotionally unstable" And it’s not even as if it was one of those situations you hear about where the man threatens the woman if she leaves. Hell I remember several times when he had bags packed and ready to walk out and she begged him to stay. He didn’t work so it wasn’t a financial thing either. It was nothing more than a selfish woman only looking out for her own feelings and needs. I will go to hell if for nothing else than the fact that I am supposed to honor my mother and father and I despise both of them. I am so screwed up! I can’t believe anyone tolerates my existence. I certainly couldn’t be my friend ninety percent of the time. I am so bitchy and opinionated. I see that I"m doing it and just can’t help myself. I guess it’s my way of controlling things when my whole life things have been beyond my control. who knows anymore. I sure don’t…………………..