it never ends

so my mom has called at least twice a day all week and I dont answer because I have nothing at all to say to her. Well actually that is a lie I have plenty to say to her. But not a thing is nice and none of it is anything that hasnt been said a million times before. She had surgery today and got someones cell yesterday and sent me a text saying she needed me to call her and tell her I loved her if it was still true. Really? Since when is it my job to make her feel loved? I am 28 years old and have never had a mother to make me feel secure and loved and worth it. I swear I will try my very best every day to make my kids feel like they are the most importand and best part of my day. I will never make them feel like they are worthless. I tried to talk to my sister about this and she laid the whole forgiveness thing on me. But how can i forgive her for things she wont ask for forgiveness for because she refuses to admit they happened?

On a good note my hubby and I seem to be doing great. We are learning to get along and laugh at our silly little spats instead of turning them into WW3. I love him, and I love what he does for our family. Dont get me wrong I’m sure he’ll piss me off and probably soon but its nice to have the peace while it lasts. Its nice to feel like we can make it thru anything.

Last night I had a dream that my "dad" came in the house and killed me while the kids watched. He told them I had deserved it for a long time and they would be better off without me. I woke up with a pounding heart and for some reason was more concerned with the idea that he had tried to say i was a bad mother than the fact that he choked me in front of my kids. Yes I know I am very weird…..