Deep Dark Hole

I am so unmotivated to do anything the last couple of days. I am slowly sinking back down into that deep dark hole. It all just seems hopeless. I have gone from eating too much to hardly eating at all. I have eaten at around 5-700 calories a day all week. I don’t know why I have such a problem with food. Why can’t I just eat normal amounts of food like normal people? Who goes from unconsiously eating 8,000 calories a day to eating less than 800 a day and still not mean to? It isn’t making me lose weight. I have stalled because my body feels like it is starving so it is holding on to everything. I couldn’t even go to the gym today because I didn’t want to pass out on the elliptical machine. I hate feeling like everything in life sucks. The logical side of me tells me I have so much to be thankful for. The logical side of me tells me that I have a wonderful husband and fantastic kids. That’s a lot more than a lot of people have. I know this! So why am I still so miserable and hateful on the inside? I have 1 friend who doesn’t make me want to claw her eyes out. Everyone else just gets on my damn nerves. I am a terrible person. I don’t deserve any of the blessings that I have in my life. I wonder if my kids look at me and see the fat f*ck up that I see? Ugh…that is all I don’t know why I even wrote this. Maybe once I post I will feel purged and somehow better. I seriously need to get the paid subscription thing so I can make entries friends only or private and what not. Maybe that will be coming soon.