…..

How horrible is it when you are so down you dont even wanna vent in your diary? I got a call from the dr saying my bloodwork came back abnormal. I went in to discuss it and my cholesterol is WAAAAAAY up and my Vitamin D is WAAAAY down. I have to take a vitamin d supplement once a week for 20 weeks and I have to lose a hundred lbs. That is half my weight!!! I cant get motivated. I have no support. I dont know what I’m gonna do. I know I need to do something and there are people out there who wont understand why I wont just lose the weight. People dont understand how hard it is. I really believe I am addicted to food. Not to mention I’m just so sad and down all the time that all I wanna do is lay around. I dont want to do even the smallest things.

On an even worse note…thursday night was authors night at my kids school. My 4th grader had to write a passage about her mom and a passage about her dad. The one about her dad was really sweet. It said he is very strong, a hard worker, and the best dad in the world. Then the one about me says she loves me even though I can be mean sometims, that I’m always tired, and I’m always crying because I stay so sad…I didnt realize how bad I had gotten until that moment. It was hanging in the hallway for everyone to see. I felt so exposed and embarrassed and hurt for my daughter. I cant believe I have brought her down like that. I never wanted my kids to think of me as "broken" I’m supposed to be strong and supportive and their rock. Instead she see’s me as unstable and sad.  I just dont know what to do anymore. I feel like such a failure