She misses me

I don’t know what’s going on in my life anymore. I don’t know how I got to where I am now. I feel like I have hustled and worked all my life, always putting my children first and always working and getting ahead. I look back at the string of events that brought me to where I am now and wonder what the fuck have I done wrong? What the fuck am I gonna do to correct the problem.

In my heart I know where I went wrong, I trusted people I should have not trusted, I gave too much when I had too little saved, I put my neighbors house before my own house and I squandered when I should have saved. I lived life too much in the material and not enough in the spiritual. I know this but now where I am its harder than ever to get out of it. How can I sit here and not know where the next months rent will come, when will I get another pay check, how will I feed my kids this week. What the fuck is this? I wonder when the fuck this happened. Why me? I suppose we all say that but I am being selfish so for the first time in a long time I just need to say, Why me? I mean really, I worked my ass off to get a real estate licence I worked like a dog to make thousands of dollars a month, then it all crashes, and when I finally get a chance to fix it I get screwed by a person who to this day is calling me friend. The home we lived in was foreclosed, we had to move three times, my business was slow and I needed to pay all my dues. I couldn’t afford to pay the dues and the rent so I made a choice to keep my kids with roof over their head. Which took me out of real estate, my brokers could have spotted me but they didn’t and wouldn’t, my friend said she would take over my buyers, 3 of which ended up buying but not with her – she didn’t care for them, the commission would have not been enough to split, she later said. And two short sales. This friend misses me, misses sharing with me, but yet knew my financial situation. At the beginning she said she would give me most or all of the commission, she could have taken a smaller percentage, knowing that the money I had expected, knowing I was counting on the amount we agreed upon before I handed over the file. I was to do all the work everything, contact the banks and keep it all going forward until it was time to close, I did my part, even finding new buyer when the original contract fell apart. When time came to close she started telling me that the commission was so small and that there had been so many little problems that were so difficult for her to deal with. It was a week before close. She was complaining as if my file were such a pain in the ass and she was doing so much work. I knew in my heart at that time she was going to screw me. When I mentioned our original agreement she stammered and said something about discussing it with her husband. When all was said and done I was given 25% of HER commission which roughly ended up being 1200 – SO THAT MEANS FOR MY WORK SHE GOT 3600 I did all the work. She knew my car had just broken down, I was backed up on my rent, Christmas was in a week and she never once mentioned to me that she had decided not to honor the original agreement. In fact she didn’t call me for a month after I got my check. I called her and asked her what was going on and I wanted to talk to her about the commission. She said she was busy and hung up. I called a few more times, she never answered or hung up feigning to be busy when I brought up the subject. I was so hurt, but in my heart I knew that she would do this. I mean, not at first. At first she kept telling me that I was tired of real estate, that she could tell my heart wasn’t in it any more, any time I was ready to quit she would help me out by taking over my business and she would take the smaller referral than me and I could have most of the commission as long as did all the work. I believed her. I was tired of the business, my baby needed me at home, and I didn’t know it at the time but I was going into a depression.

I am angry about what she did, I am angry because I feel betrayed and I wont tell her why, I can’t understand that she must feel no remorse for her actions, she must think what she did, knowing our agreement, knowing my desperate financial situation, knowing all this she could take the money smile and tell me she loves me and then wait a month then call me as if nothing has happened. What bugs me the most is that when she sees me post something on face book then she makes a religious comment, what’s makes it worse is that I never though it would be her that fucked me. She brought me into the church, I became a Christian because she helped bring me to the Lord. And I guess in my heart I looked at her like family, but I knew she didn’t feel that way towards me. I helped her without ever asking for payment so when we made the agreement I reluctantly agreed. Thinking it was my pride that fueled my reluctance.

She calls all the time, she misses me, she misses my conversations, she misses telling me her problems, even though when I would need to talk about my problems, or just to rant she would change the subject and need to get off the phone. She would stop me before I would even start. She would say, so how are you and your husband, and I would say, Oh, he’s being him, you know the other day….. and she would say, oh well I have to go now, I will call you later. This after I spent 15 minutes or more listening to her tell me about how her husband this and that and how she is so busy and has so many clients and has to pick up this many checks and is so busy she doesn’t know what to do. I sat there listening to her tell me this, wondering where the money for the electric bill money was going to come from, if I would ever be able to get another job, wondering if I got the job I applied for who was going to watch my 2 year old child.

But I am not supposed to feel angry? I am not supposed to feel betrayed? I am supposed to continue to answer her phone calls and listen to her rants and be her friend.

My problems are not based entirely on her, my situation is not in any way shape or form her fault. My family problems were not caused by her, not even by the stupid stunt she pulled. I think what bothers me about it is that amongst all the shit that has happened this was unexpected, and to me equivalent of kicking me when I am down. With people like this in my life I don’t need enemies.