ramblings in my mind tonight
Well. where do I start? Should I start by saying that I need to write or I will explode? I finally made an appointmenr ro see a psychaitrist. I need to talk to someone, I need to figure what the fuck I am doing, what I am thinking, get my emotions under control. Sometimes its too much, but sometimes its just right. Like right now, my husband who at the mere mention of him makes a feeling of anxiety run up my back, is passed out in a weed induced coma. My son, wild and crazy, loving and gentle a Gemini child to the T, lays sleeping; diagnolly ofcourse, breathing sweet and steady, looking so angelic withs his arms over his head and the blankets kicked off. I finally snuck into the bathroom and lit the bong I had no intention of smoking any weed tonight, I was hoping to stay off it for a few days, try to see if unmedicated the problems were the same or if I was over analyzing. So, I an sitting here in a quiet thoughtful mood and for the first time since my husband came home I am at peace, in a good mood. I was starting to feel like I would never be able to relax, I mean from the moment the man walks into this house I want to scream.
I was baking when he came in, it seemed all was well, we have had a few rough days and I have been feeling this way for awhile. I decided it was pms and I needed to chill out so I was not going to say anything. When he walked in he was cordial, I was cordial I offered a lemon bar and he declined. The baby was happy to see his Daddy, he came in and I showed him a video and he made a half ass comment and I got mad. Bla. All down hill from there.
Oh well right? I mean shit I get so tired of being mad at him, he blames me for everything, I dislike him because I can’t believe how self centered he is.’
Will we make it I wonder, I dont want to fail, but I dont want to suffer like now I am cool, cuz he is asleep, but whe wakes up…… ugh. I just can’t believe some of the shit that comes out of his mouth, or the way he says stuff or does stuff. I think he is cheating, or looking to cheat. I think he doesnt love me, because of the way he acts. So hurt now I act like a bitch. I am having a hard time forgiving him.
why stay and be miserable.
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