thats why I did it

one of my last entries was about how I knew eddie cared, how he showed it once.  I guess I kind fo forgot and we ended up haivng a fight because of it.  Two very important things came out of it and I need to remebmer both of them, one for the good and one because I need to tell him how it bothered me.

The good- I ended up asking several times what he wanted and finally he told me… he wants me as his wife.  I mean he has said it before, but in the midst of the argument, when we were both worked up, it stopped me cold.  It made me realize how much he means to me. its been 5 months, I know thats not a long long time, but to me it shows that its more than a passing infatuation.  He said it best when he said we had both married people who were good enough, but once we met, we knew there was so much more… or i am a dreamer (you know you want to say something holly)

The bad was the accusation that we fight every night.  it is one of the big issues he has with Susan.  I think it was said simply to hurt me and it did… I cant sleep because I still hear it pounding in my head.  I have never been so close to leaving, because I dont think bryan could ever hurt me that deeply, and there is something to be said for safety in a relationship. 

He means so much more than anyone else ever has, but its scary because he has the potential to hurt me so much deeper.  Do I jump in with both feet or not.?  Have I already?  He has made me feel more alive than I have in the last few years.  I want to be better for him, I want to be more so I make him proud of me.   When did I loose that with bryan? Did I ever have it?  Where did this self confidence come from?  was it that someone I looked up to as a friend sees something of value in me?  But it comes from me, not him.  I want to be more, its hard to explain.  I wont change for him, but I will be the best person I can be and thats something I cant say about how I am living right now.  Is that worth it?