note to a friend with thoughts

Sorry I havent been returning your phone calls.  Been kinda busy and somehow ended up moving my sleep cycle to the middle of the day (when I can sleep that is).  I need some advice, or maybe just a reasonable ear to listen.  Bryan drives me crazy, but he is trying.  But the more I am here the more I feel like there is something wrong with me.   I still tell him I love him, but I am not sure I do… and thats hard.  Also, when journaling the other day I was writing something and reread it and it hit me really hard… Eddie and I had a fight and I was journaling, trying to lay my thoughts out so i could explain to him what i was trying to say, what I was thinking and here is the line that really hit me  "I mean hell, if my husband feels he has to drug me to make me more appealing, why the hell would someone on the other side of the country want me?"  I havent been able to stop thinking about it since I saw it.  I wasnt even really thinking about what I was writing, just doing a mind dump so that I could start to sort things out, but it strikes me as a really strong statment.  I think it describes the issue I have here… I know he loves me, but if I cant belive it, if I cant find that love again, is it worth trying anymore?  I have told myself to wait till after chrismas to make a decision, but have I already made it?  Or is this why I am awake all hours of the night unable to sleep.  Any ideas, thoughts, ect would be greatly appreciated.

Megs