four days

So yeah, when i left it was for a specific reason, but there were a whole bunch of reasons things wernt working, just one major one that made me not feel safe.  while I was gone, we talked about many of the issues and I thought we had come to an agreement.  But I get home and guess what, nothing has changed.  I dont know if I can handle how things were going before.  When we talked I was so optimistic… now I am not sure.  I dont want to be a quitter, but how long should I keep putting my life on hold? 

at one point I was terrified of being alone… now I am not.  I think that is a huge growth point for me.  I can be the person I want to be without appoligy.  the problem is I am not sure that person is compatiable with life with bryan.  I would rather be a single mother of one, and be able to meet sorens needs than be married with a partner that does nothing. 

And this whole leaving it up to me to get comfortable… he needs to man up and help me out.  Its a nice thing to say, but it isnt really realisitic.  It takes two people to make a relationship, and I can work my ass off, but if he isnt willing to carry his weight, it aint gonna work (your right about that holly).

who I want to be:

beautiful

successful

sexy

confident

sorens mother, but more than just a mother

I want to be all the things I look up to others for being, can I do it, I dont know, but I cant do it in pullman… and I am not sure bryan is the right life parnter to ever achieve all of these, I am too dependent on him to ever be fully confident in myself with him around, but am afraid I would crumble without him.  but you know what, i am not gonna think about this again for several hours, I am gonna clean, and maybe cook, cause tomorrow is thanksgiving.

four days to figure out my own head.  I know, i shouldnt rush into anything, but I need to take the time to figure out what I really want.  By going back to my parents I realized that there was no way for me to think clearly there.  I was too busy doing to stop and think.  Now I can stop and think and not have too much distraction.  I honestly dont know what to do with myself tonight.  I have the whole evening to myself.  Nobody but soren to put demands on me, and his arnt that hard to meet, play with him, feed him, and cuddle him.  When do men get so complicated?