Dear…

Do you even remember me? I think that that would be hardest, if you don’t even remember me. I learned so much from you, did you know that? I took from you so much about life, about the kind of life I wanted. You also left me with an irrational fear of Morphine. When I was offered it after surgery, all I could think about was your face the day you told me about your addiction, not the funny way you had sometimes, but in a totally serious way. It scared me, but it does make me think about if I really need it, or any drug, whenever the option comes up. It may have made me straight-laced and not as much fun, but what you showed me did not look like fun at all. I worshiped you from afar. I think that you might have realized that at some point. Even if you had showed up just a little while ago, it would have been a hard decision to let you go or not. But now… now there is a baby on the way, and that changes everything, except how I feel about you. I have a responsibility now, to be the best parent I can be, and that means not running off with you, even if the chance ever came up (I have no idea where you are, so its not very likely). I just needed to write this to get it out of my head.

I know that I shocked you when I agreed to marry Bry. Your exgirlfriend was most worried about how you would take it. Did you care more than you showed? I doubt it, you like the rest of them didn’t like him, and that made it much easier to understand. Maybe I do you a disservice, but it always seemed like my choice was not a good enough one. I hope you are happy and I enjoy talking to you every now and then.

If you didn’t like him, why didn’t you break us up? You could have you know. Just strung me along for a few months, what would you have risked? It would have gotten him out of my life, which is what I know you wanted for a long time. I don’t know if you still dislike him as much as you used to. I often wonder about that. I bet you still do 🙂 Now I have a responsibility to him. Even if he never lives up to even my expectations, he is good enough to father my children, and that is strong enough for me. But I still wonder… why did you not take that one step that would have guaranteed getting him out of my life? Just pondering this morning.

Family,

I know I am not living the perfect life, but hell, I am happier than I have ever been, and if that means that I am living in a rental, earning minimum wage, so be it. I want to be happy for a while, then I will worry about putting money away for retirement.

Me,

Don’t let all of this build up in your head before you write it all down. It makes it so you cannot sleep at night and end up only getting 2 hours of sleep.