5/17/08

I give up… well I want to.  LIfe with eddie may not be a bed of roses, but at least we both know who we are and dont need someone to look after us.  We both want someone who cares, but not a parent or to be a parent to one another.  I gave bry 6 months, just to meet me half way, make some sort of an effort.  But apparently that was too much to ask.  I think the worst part is I love him, i really do, but I cant be his mother and his wife.  I have one little boy, the second one is old enough to know how to take care of himself (you would think).   In the last week he has… taken one shower, cleaned the litter box once, done two loads of laundry I left by the door for him to wash, dried one set of dishes, and taken soren to the park once.  I guess he did take out the trash, but he does that so he can cover up that he is still smoking, even after he told me he quit… as if I couldnt smell it on him. 

and Eddie, what do I say here.  He drives me nuts, he makes me question everything i believe about myself.  He makes me look at myself with new eyes.  He believes that I can be so much more… He also believes that tehre is nothing he can do about his current situation.  Uses it to manipulate me when we fight., forces me to actually think about how I react to things, but isnt willing to do so himself.  and has no idea how to fight constructivly.  I am torn between wanting to help him and wanting to walk away because he sees everything about the situation as hopeless and isnt willing to try to get help of any sort. 

Tonight was a bad night and nobody seemed to understand.  I want to tell eddie I understand when he has to go, even though he is camped out on his couch at the moment, if she caught him talking to someone else she would throw him out, no questions asked.  (mind you she probobly has a guy on the side already, but that doesnt matter).  but I needed my best friend to talk to, and he didnt seem to get that.  Part of it is pride, I couldnt bring myself to say that… so I guess in a way its my fault.  But I told him I was having a bad night, that I was really down and he sent me a hug and that was it, like that was supposed to make it all better.  I also wonder if he realizes that he talks to me differently when I have his compleate attention and when I dont. 

I want to scream

I want to cry

I want to curl up and die