Undertones

There’s this disconnect.  That’s how it appears to me.  There’s my emotions – which are vague and chaotic and unnamed.  I don’t understand them at all, it’s like looking at an abstract painting.  And then there’s my thoughts.  Those I understand; they’re small and simple and make perfect sense.  What I don’t know is, are they actually connected or not, and if so, which comes first? 

Do I think, "I’m terribly lonely," because it’s a way to paste some sense onto an incomprehensible emotion?  Or do I think, "I’m lonely," because that is in fact the correct interpretation of an agonising swirl of sooty blue, and is in fact the cause thereof?  And several days later, when I say, "life is meaningless.  The world has rejected me and I am rejecting it," is that a new realisation, or merely another misinterpretation of the same smoky fog I still can’t make sense of? 

Perhaps I’m being daft, but I’ve just realised it doesn’t make sense to me.  I don’t get it.  So I can think, "so little interests me any more.  I can’t think of anything I want to be part of."  But why should that make me hunch my shoulders and slump like an understuffed abandoned teddybear?  Why should it make me feel any particular way?  Maybe the thoughts are bogus.  Maybe there are real thoughts, hidden deep.  Real thoughts that would make sense to feel this way about.  What is so painful about disinterest, after all?  Could it really inspire anything more dramatic than boredom? 

I’m still trying to decide what to do with this excruciating crunch of wrong chords.  I’m listening to the wise parts of me.  One says, "enjoy it while it lasts."  That’s a wild song to dance to.  Cruel but hedonistic.  The other says, "life is shit.  Accept it and live with it."  Which has a smell of bad coffee about it strong enough to cause more nausea than I already have.  The unwise parts of me say what you’d expect them to.  Block it out or be swept away with it. 

I dream of crumbling walls, of mudslides and trainwrecks.  And I can’t do anything to help, because I have no shoes. 

Right, I’m off to dream some more nightmares then.