Silent war

I told my grandmother about some theories I’d been reading on the causes of endometriosis.  She listened in fascination, then pressured me to get a hysterectomy.  Unbelieveable.  I feel violated, like she’s touched me in a private place without permission.  As usual, I ask myself how I let that happen. 

Anna told me once I should stop blaming myself.  I guess I’d rather find a way to stop it happening, rather than just avoid my grandmother.  Or get into some confrontation about it.  Why don’t I want to confront her?  Because I have this belief that it always makes things worse.  It leads to more simmering resentment.  You never win that way. 

I guess it seems that my family just runs on unspoken resentment and self-censorship.  No communication, no true and full acceptance of others.  It’s ugly.  Breaking the rule of silence makes one a target for all that resentment.  Speaking your mind, when everyone has tacitly agreed not to speak theirs, is like taking an unfair advantage or something. 

It’s like we’ve all agreed "I’ll shut up if you’ll shut up."  Then if I open my mouth and start blurting the things I’m upset about, they can only ignore me (and seethe), or start talking about everything that pisses them off too.  It never seems to lead to anything constructive. 

So I sit here thinking, "well I won’t say anything this time, but if it happens again… why then I’ll…"  I’ll what?  I don’t know.  It’s no solution.