Seeking a fix less fattening

Anna was in town yesterday, so she came over and we spent the day together.  I hadn’t seen her for a couple of years.  Today I am an emotional wreck.  It seems so silly, so unnecessary, but there it is – I’m exhausted, I’m depressed.  All day I’ve been looking for food to make me feel better.  No luck.  Well, a few spoonfuls of cream I went out for especially… that worked for a few minutes.  I think I’m starting to understand why people get hooked on recreational substances.  It’s probably because of days like this.  Just looking for some little pick-me-up, some little painkiller, when you don’t quite know or even care how much of the pain is physical, how much emotional, and how much is just plain exhaustion which nothing but patience will fix. 

I’d hoped to do a whole lot of laundry, do this that and the other around the house.  I feel like such a joke.  How do I manage to be so entirely ineffectual?  Completed today: read email and half the paper.  Ate chocolates.  Watched TV.  Went out to buy more butter, cream and chocolate.  What’s wrong with me?  This isn’t my usual self.  I feel so dry and brittle.  Nothing satisfies; i am fragile. 

I wish I had something delicious to write.  But I don’t.  I’m crushed by a sense of unrelenting oppressive blandness, meaningless.  Like a buzzing and sputtering fluorescent tube.