Reality check

The conclusion that I keep coming back to, regarding my grandmother, is that she is not a person I should be spending a lot of time with.  If I don’t want to weather her occasional attacks on me, I shouldn’t participate in her conversations about others.  Because while from my side they may be innocent attempts to understand others, from her side, it appears, they are actually attack and judgement sessions. 

That’s the advice I hear over and over again.  If you don’t want to be involved in judgemental conversations, you just have to stay away from those who insist on indulging in them.  It’s not a particularly palatable conclusion.  My grandmother is the person I spend the most time with.  I feel a lack of social interaction as it is. 

Then again, why should I have to field accusations about my personal life from someone with whom I generally have a warm and cordial relationship?  I certainly don’t criticise her for the way she lives her life!  And the accusation that I’m overstating my illness is a very serious one.  She’s basically accusing me of making a living through fraudulent means.  She’s accusing me of something a person could go to jail for. 

I have had people tell me I wear rose-coloured glasses when looking at those around me.  I tend to assume the best about everyone, and then I feel shocked and betrayed when they treat me in ways I wouldn’t treat them.  I tell you, it’s really hard to look at my grandmother and say, "she judges others a lot, and she probably always will."  But rationally, I know it’s a fair statement.  It’s easier to believe that she only judges people because she’s not in the practice of studying them instead, and that she’s learning eagerly and changing her ways.  It’s easier because it would make for a happier situation for me, and because it would boost my ego to think I can have such a positive effect on someone. 

It’s harder to admit that my family are never going to share my ethical standards, and neither will most of the world any time soon.  That I don’t have an adequate social life, and I probably won’t have that any time soon either.  It’s hard to admit that what I really need to learn right now, is how to withdraw myself from the company of those who consistently hurt me, even if I have no other company to replace it with.  I know my guides have been trying to teach me this for years, and I haven’t mastered it yet. 

Perhaps I’ve been too soft on myself.