Indebtedness without hope of repayment

I almost feel I have to apologise for writing of such tedious details of my life as I’m about to… I’ll take a deep breath and here goes. 

My sister works for Harley Davidson.  Oh, that’s not so tedious is it?  Sorry, that’s all the non-tedium there is for today.  Anyway, that’s why she was apparently enthralled by a documentary about some minor celebrity and his friend crossing Eurasia and North America on motor bikes.  No, not even Harleys.  It’s ten episodes long and Lara thought I should see it.  She lent it to me. 

Now, if I were a well-adjusted, sensible and moderately assertive person, I would probably say, "thanks but no thanks, I’m not really interested,"  and hand it right back.  I, on the other hand, have had it sitting on my shelf for several months and feel obliged to watch the entire tedious thing.  Which I planned to start today. 

It’s been alternately raining and pouring for the last two weeks, and as I don’t have a drier at home I went to my parents’ today to use theirs.  Thought I’d watch the dreaded DVDs while I waited.  But their DVD player didn’t work.  Both my parents have said it’s not set up properly, nobody knows how to use it.  Now comes the really tedious part.

When Dad comes home, I ask him about it, we pull the TV stand out from the wall, and inspect the tangle of cabling.  It’s a mess.  He’d bought this really simple switching panel, where you plug everything into one hub, and just press buttons to switch between the VCR, DVD and Playstation.  But it hadn’t been set up.  So I offered to, and Dad agreed. 

So I spent a while drawing a diagram of the present cabling.  (Trust me, it’s wise.)  Then another while drawing up plans for the new cabling.  When I showed it to Dad, he rejected it outright.  Why?  Because he wants to run the TV through his broken-down 1970-vintage amplifier, which has no remote control, is completely impractical, and just can’t be used with the switching hub thing.  This is apparently more important than being able to use the DVD player or anything else.  Did he ever mention this in the beginning?  No.  I just hate it when people waste my time like that. 

I tried to tell Mum about my frustration, but she just made some comments about how Dad or my brother had cabled things up so they worked just fine before.  Thanks Ma, not only does no-one see anything unethical in wasting my time or effort, but apparently I deserve it because Dad and my brother are better at arranging cables than me.  Or is it because I’m meddling where I’m not wanted?  My frustration paled in comparison to my embarrassment at having revealed my emotions to someone completely unsympathetic.  I’m thirty years old and she hasn’t changed.  You’d think I would have learnt that lesson by now. 

The worst thing is that all this actually bothers me.  I am actually quite upset.  It’s bringing on some rather sharp pain.  I guess it brings up much bigger issues… about having no useful role; about being rejected whenever I try to help.  About being undervalued. 

You know what?  I think I’ll just stop feeling indebted to them, you know?  They offer me help sometimes.  And I accept.  Sometimes I need help with housework or cooking when I’m sick.  Sometimes I can’t afford to buy things I need.  I feel that they’ve been too generous, that I owe them something in return.  But they never accept help of any sort.  I’d blamed myself for that.  I thought there was something wrong with my help, or that I had nothing of any value to offer.  No, screw them.  If they want to offer assistance to someone who has nothing they value to give in return, it’s their problem.  I didn’t ask for their help. 

I don’t understand why they help anyway.  Some sense of parental obligation perhaps?  They don’t seem to like me.  They don’t show interest in me.  So why invite me to dinner on a weekly basis?  Loneliness?  I know why I accept.  Free food.  That’s about it. 

Perhaps it’s time I stopped accepting help I don’t understand.  It’s easy enough to say I’ll accept help and won’t feel obligated, but I feel the obligation anyway.  It’s the same with Anna’s help.  Heavens, why do you think I stayed with Alexander a year longer than I wanted to?  Because Anna was funding my study trip to Moscow!  At least I talked to Anna about why she’s giving me money.  I haven’t dared to ask Mum that.  Let alone ask what she expects in return.  What she’s getting in return is a sense of obligation and worthlessness from me.  As it stands, the price I’m paying is too high, wouldn’t you say?