Here be dragons

I went to a wealth seminar today which, by the way, I have never done before, so please don’t think I’m one of those motivational-speech groupies.  Actually, I found it surprisingly low on BS.  Not free of it, but certainly lower than I expected. 

The thing that really struck me though, was how horribly full of issues I am.  There are huge areas of my life which lie abandoned.  Areas it hurts too much to think about, so I just don’t go there.  I generally don’t think much about my career, my wealth, my social life, my love life or even my sex life.  I just don’t have those things, don’t feel capable of creating them, and so I just cordon them off, like closing the door to a room where the floor has rotted through.  I just live as though that room doesn’t exist. 

Mostly, those areas aren’t on my mind.  I ignore them with a reasonable degree of success, and feel like I’m doing okay (in what’s left).  It’s only when those things come up that I realise how much pain is stored there,  I can go to pieces emotionally just admitting that I’m on a disability pension, for instance.  I remember now, as a teenager, how I would stay home on Saturday nights, even when there was something I could go to.  I’d realised that being around people who ignored me was more painful than being alone with no reminders of my loneliness.  And so it is with my career. 

The ironic – or rather, predictable – thing is, that this realisation reminds me a great deal of my ill health, which is currently at the centre of my problem.  This state of being is like having a body riddled with pain.  There are things you just stop doing, because it hurts.  You don’t even have to think about it after a while – it becomes habit, or instinct, to not lift things with the sore shoulder, or to never run, or to stay indoors.  If things improve, you might have so many good days that you wonder if there’s really anything wrong with you.  Nothing’s hurting.  Until you lift something, try to run, or go out in the cold.  Then all hell breaks loose and you realise that you’re in terrible shape, and it hurts so much you’re not sure you have the strength to even try to do something about it.  You fall to the ground clutching things that hurt. 

That’s me emotionally.  I have so much emotional pain surrounding issues of my worth to others, that I tend to just collapse if I try to work on anything involving it.  I feel like an emotional basket case.  I think I really need therapy!