Collapse
Heat subsides, misery returns. Swathed in my addiction, I’m ashamed I see no reason to leave. Bright and torrid images subside… for that, gratitude. Images of defeat and intimacy take their place. Defeat… and intimacy. Is that the only way?
Last month’s study was the two-part cycle of purification and corruption. The angel rising into demonhood; the demon falling into angelhood. And this month: reciprocity. Two knives being sharpened against each other. Mutual respect, mutual trust.
And reciprocity requires independence, of course. What can you give if you can’t hold what you have? Any sacrifice becomes meaningless, a mere convenient disposal. No, there is no intimacy with defeat. No prodigal-son homecoming. Merely familiarity and contempt; neediness, failure.
Shame. The eternal shame. I fail in every way. I long to sacrifice responsibility for myself. I fear to entangle anyone. I hide from the world.
Don’t be hard on yourself, you’ll find without fail that you are doing much better than many others around you. For depression you should take omega 3 oils (flax seed and fish oil), there is plenty of evidence that this helps. And of course Resveratrol, that is a miracle supplement. All the best.
Warning Comment
YAH is right, in many ways. I’ve noticed that the better I eat and the more exercise i get, the better I feel and the less i hallucinate, and want to die. However, it helps to have some things in your life going right first, THEN doing that self-improvement crap. Because if you try to exercise while feeling suicidal, uhh it just ends up a total nightmare.
Warning Comment
Shame and guilt are illusions. They’re symptoms of fear and darkness, and they don’t actually exist, they’re not real. that doesn’t help you, i know… i’m sorry hun. *massive hugs*
Warning Comment
Shame is probably the most difficult terror to fight. I’d like to give you advice, but truly, it’s so hard. When it hits me, I just grit my teeth and try to put things in perspective: If every other asshole on this planet can f*ck up, surely I can too. And then I try to to swear in my mind, loudly. Anger is better for you, sometimes.
Warning Comment