What ifs

To be quite honest having a third child although would be nice I have to say but scared the hell out of me.  I’m finally now to were life is comfortable with what I make and busy. Add another child and there would be more on me.  I would have loved a girl or even another boy if I did go to term but for some reason I was scared this time taking it to the point of an ultrasound were they would tell me somethings wrong. I would have hated if I had to make a decision about a baby that had something wrong, whether to keep it or continue.  This wasn’t a little fear I had about this one. It was a big fear.  I don’t know why….I can’t explain it….  I’m sort of glad that it was taken out of my hands and let nature take its course.  It s weird like that….you get a sense about something and you can’t really explain it. 

I can’t explain that when I was pregnant with Andrew I feared that he would be developmentally delayed…. As I saw my child and held him I was hoping my fears weren’t true…..3 yrs later it was confirmed.

I can’t explain that I only felt peace when I was pregnant with Jonathan , yeah I was still numb coming off a miscarriage before him. But with him….calmness, knew he was going to be perfect in everyway.  He’s 2.5 yrs old and smart as they come….knows colors, numbers, most of his alphabet, and shapes.  Did I mention a stubborn pain in the butt too.

I don’t know…. Its weird, 6th sense maybe??? 
I guess its almost in a way a relief.  Is that wrong? 

Today was good….no doctor drama… Not till next week.  3 weeks now of bleeding.  UGH!!

At least I’m feeling more normal.