Had to see….

I let bygone’s be bygone’s.   I know at least I was there for her.  I know the past is the past and nothing can change it.  I could be petty and say well she wasn’t there when I had my son but I was at her mother’s funeral.   Time marches on and well we have talked alot  and I have many a conversation with her.  I’m not one to let hard feeling blind me from what is going on with her.  I’m not the type. Its not to  say I don’t have feelings and like when people walk all over me either but at this time it really doesn’t matter nor would I have ever told her that even before I heard this was going on.      The excuses to why I haven’t  visited had to stop as well  and I had to go.   Its not like I was making stuff up as to why I couldn’t go.  I did have things to do here and I did have a nasty cold that hung on for weeks. Didn’t want to be exposing her to it. But I did have to make it a priority.   LIke I really wanted to drive another 30 minutes after coming home from a 40 minute communte to  see her BUT it had to be done. 

I took the kids up with me and they were more than well behaved.(shocking if you know my 2)  She was drugged up and in and out.  Had the morphine button to push at anytime.  Supposily they haven’t told her she’s dying but I know she knows. She knows she’s not doing chemo or radiation. She’s not that out of it.  She’s not on facebook anymore. as I think she doesn’t feel like writing "Hey look I’m weak I’m dying and I can’t do anything about it"   She has portrayed a pillar of strength though this and its like admitted to everybody that she’s indeed giving up.  I have no doubts about her grave diagnosis . Its hard as she’s my age.  To watch a classmate of yours succomb to cancer  its hard to watch and to know how lucky you are.  To know this is some one whom I was in contact with quite a bit.  Even though she drove me crazy I did share a good amount of stories with.  Numb….is all I can say.   I don’t know if I will get up there again so………..